yes, I am still in this pleasant mood. unfortunately, I think the only reason why I am in a more pleasant mood is because I have stressed myself out to my max. there is no way that I can be more stressed out, so now the only way left to go is up. maybe hitting rock bottom isn't too bad afterall.

so today was the last parade I will ever compete in with my school marching band. 5 trophies, first place is everything. that's really good. we definitely went out with a bang. the more I thought about it, the more I realized just how much I'm going to miss it. I bitch a lot about it when I'm going through it, but it still holds a lot of meaning to me. it's like a family, sometimes you absolutely despise your family, but there will always be that bond. it's kind of sad to see it all end. no more halftime shows, basketball games, and now, no more parades. after 4 years, I'll admit that it's slightly disappointing to see it end. not that I want to go out and do more, there's no way in hell. but it's kind of like mr. beckman said, high school is some of the greatest years of your life, but he would never do it all over again.

which leads me to this, as graduation slowly approaches, I feel extreme joy and yet, I don't want to let go of high school. it's not that I love high school and I don't want it to end, but rather, I'm terrified of what'll happen afterwards. it's so unknown. what if everything I've ever wanted will never be what I have? what if I finally get what I wanted and I realize that I wanted something else? I'm so afraid that I'm going to make a decision now that I'll regret in 5 years. I don't want to look back on my life with regrets. I'm ready to leave, but I'm not ready for anything after that. I wonder if I've suffered enough yet. I wonder if I can finally achieve my real happiness.

I think, right now, I'm afraid that I'll be everything I don't want because I couldn't achieve what I wanted.

13 more weeks....

yesterday I was actually happy because of such simple things. firework shows are so incredibly beautiful. the bright lights in the night sky are gorgeous. I loved it. last night was truly great. i was tired, exhausted, but happy. yes, its definitely the simple things that make me happy: rain, nighttime, stars in the sky, the sky after it rains, music, sitting on benches in the middle of disneyland, simple gestures, a smile, eye contact, a phone call, hugs, kisses, laughter, speed, cold air, the dark, beautiful scenary, waterfalls, lakes, the ocean, tulips, random things. I wish I could explain it more than that.

my mood has been very good lately. I've had my melancholy moments, but generally, these past few days, I've been in a good mood.

so a strange thing that I do is write a few sentences to those people who have been significant to me. I will never be the ones to read or give those people these words, but in the case of my death, they are basically my last words to them. it's something I need to do again. it's been almost 2 years since I've really done it but I try to do it every year since things can change so quickly. it's funny to see how it changes everytime I do it. it's morbid, I know, but one of my greatest fears is that I could die and the people I care about will never know or realize what I think about them, how much I appreciate them, what they mean to me, or how much I love them.
yes, it's definitely time to do it again...

Happy Valentine's Day!

you know, I never understood the purpose of valentine's day; the pink and red and hearts and candy and cheesiness. it's kind of sad that we have to set aside one day a year to remember love. I don't know. to me, it's just another excuse to get gifts.

but coincidently, I did reflect on love today. it kind of hurts. it's confusing and twisted. it just seems like such a trap. maybe I'm just terribly bitter, but who knows for sure. I really don't want it in my life, but I have to accept that it is there, and it always will be.


I want to spend tonight on a beach, gazing at the moon and stars.
and yes, I want to spend it with you.

not because it's valentine's day, but just because I can't stop thinking about you.

I don't think this post needs too much said, but I do have a few things to say.

I feel so stressed out. I don't even know why. it's exhausting. I still just want to be free. I don't know what I want out of life, but I can't wait until I get it.

This is one of my favorite random pictures. Early hours of the morning, high off the rush of a great show, carefree, empty street, my cousins ran under the street light and I took their photo. I love it.

I hate being lied to. I hate being decieved by the ones I love. my family, my friends, I'm not sure who I can truly trust. apparently, I trust the wrong people, and because of it, I come out looking like a fool for it. I guess I am still so very naive in so many ways.

all I have left to say is thank you to those who actually have not been the above.

Karma's a bitch.

today, I "bonded" with a couple of people. I never thought I would.

specifically, I told someone some things that I hadn't even told my best friends, and things I've only told my best friends. I don't know why I did, but in that moment, it just came out. I don't regret it or anything, but it was surprising. it's hard to come out with your secrets. it's terrifying. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I don't want to have these deep dark secrets. there are so many, I lose track, and yet, they've always made me feel so safe. does that make sense?

one of the things that stood out most about my conversation with the above person, was that people need to embrace their pasts and unleash their secrets. I am not emotionally stable enough to embrace my past, or unleash my secrets, the secrets I've even kept from myself. I really am not. I can't even come close to the subject without bursting into tears. when I even try to analyze myself, I cry. I can't do it yet, but I am so determined to be able to do it one day, even though I'm not completely sure if I could ever be strong enough. maybe I'll find that one person who will make me strong enough. maybe I already have, but either way, I have to wait.

I can do that.

I hate high school. I can't wait to get out. I feel like I am wasting my time. high school just seems so pointless and annoying. the "drama". it's pathetic to experience. it is so insignificant to life. what life experience can you possibly gain from high school that actually makes high school worth those 4 years of your life? I haven't gained anything that I didn't already have. I just want to be free. to move away from all this. just kill me now, why put me through this mind numbing idiocy? I don't even know why I am in such a bad mood. I guess I am just sick of it all. it will all be over soon, but soon couldn't possibly come fast enough.

I want to drive my car as fast as I possibly can.
I want to get on a roller coaster, over and over again.
I just want to move so fast that I can't even think.
I want the biggest rush of my life.

it's kinda funny how life turns out. the things you want the most are out of your reach and the things you hate most never leave you alone. that's just the way it works. what a sad truth.

I've had an interesting couple of days. this entire week just seems to be dragging on forever. it's kind of unbearable, so I really don't know how I'm surviving.

so today's picture was taken in Lake Tahoe. so far, it is my most favorite place in the world. the air is clean, the water is fresh, the people are friendly, and the tourist and local boys are cute. last July was the last time I was up there. I didn't get to go up for winter this year, because of my schedule. it's kind of sad. so the picture is of Emerald Bay, Lake Tahoe. to get down there, you have to take a trail down the mountain. at the top of that mountain is a waterfall. I was standing at the top of that waterfall, looking down at the gorgeous bay. I went over towards the edge of the cliff of the waterfall, crouched down, and made this photo. I really miss that place.

I really hope my cough goes away soon.