I'm a bit stressed. it is all because of what's to come, and not because of right now. I'm stressed about the research paper that is a third of my grade. I'm stressed about whether or not I will get into the college I want to. I'm stressed because I don't know if I can afford to go to the college I want to go to. I'm stressed about all these photography projects I have due this semester. I'm stressed about a lot of things. I guess most of it is a good stress, but it seems so unneccessary at this time. but what can I do?
so my brain moves way to fast for me. it critisizes and analyzes everything. it seems like my mind is going so fast that everything else, my physical body, my classes, even time, feels like it is going so slow. I hate it, but I wouldn't want it any other way.

we'll see what happens...

Gong Xi Fat Choi!

it is the new year and the festivities are a good time. lots of food, prayer, and family time and the perk of easy money for myself. it is one of my favorite holidays. well, let's just end this on a happy note. Happy Year of the Dog!

so the other night, I received a phone call from my father.

I'm pretty sure that I can honestly say that I love my father, but I can't say he's my favorite guy. my stepdad has been around for almost 10 years of my life, and he's been more of a father to me that my real father ever has been. I'm sure my father loves me, but he has no idea who I am, what I like, what I want to do with my life, who my friends are, or what type of person I am. he has never asked and i doubt he ever will. I don't have or want to have a relationship with my father. to me, he's almost like a distant family member. I'm not complaining really, (or am I?). I almost prefer it this way. my father is not an ideal man. he's screwed up one too many times, to the point where he can't even return home. I can't say I'm really proud of him.

my sister was telling me how angry she was that he missed her wedding and she told me that she truly hopes that he will make it to my graduation. she said it was the one thing he has always wanted, for his children to do well in school and graduate high school and move onto college.
well, it's really the only thing he cares about. I think he cares only because he wants to brag about it to his buddies and the rest of the family. what a reason, right?
anyway, she was telling me all this, and frankly, I don't think I want him there. true, I may regret this in 4 months and start bawling when he isn't there, but I don't think he deserves to be there. he has done nothing to help me get to where i am, except maybe getting my mom pregnant and screwing up so bad that my mother found my stepdad. for now, i think missing my graduation would be good for him. although, he may only care for a period of 1 hour. my dad is such an unpredictable man, but in a bad way.

I can't forgive him for the things he has done or has not done.
maybe one day when I no longer have that choice.

I just hope I never become like he is.

so today was the start of the new semester.

I have to seriously ask, what is the purpose of this semester?
to tie up loose ends?
to get another chance to talk to that one person you always wanted to talk to?
to jam in whatever else they forgot to teach us in the past 12 years?
to realize that you're in love with the last person you'd think you'd fall for?
to fix all the screw ups you've made the past 12 years of your school life?
to sort out your real friends from the phony ones?
what is the point?

I guess I have to wait until this semester is over before I can give you my answer.
I don't really want to wait until the end of this semester though.

so this is my first post.



I like to state the obvious, in case you haven't noticed.

so about me. well, I'm a girl. I have been for all 17 years, 3 months and 9 days of my life.

I really want to travel. that's my only aspiration in life, to see the world. I'm seventeen and i have no idea what I'm going to do with my life, but I know I will travel a lot. That is definitely my future.

I like to write. I always have. About anything and everything.
I also like to read. Getting wrapped up in the world of fiction is wonderful to me.

escaping reality. I like this hobby, but I guess it isn't a healthy one.

so 2006 is going to be the end of high shool for me and a start of something brand new.
i just want to keep track of my life.
I can't wait.