It's been ages since I've put up a picture, but I found a new website, picturesofwalls.com, and it fascinated me. I really loved this picture. I think it's pretty self-explanitory.

Anyways, my birthday just passed and it was actually pretty nice, but my first week of being 19 was absolutely awful, complete with a car accident and no car. Right now, I'm super stressed about school and I really can't focus for some reason. Go figure, right? It's twisted, but I can't get myself to work. It's so hard to actually care anymore.

There's a lot of family drama going on, and I hate it. I really don't want to dwell on it when I can avoid it.

In happier news, I've kind of met a guy. He's great. 22, very nice, very cute, adorable accent, entertaining personality, very sweet, and I love talking to him. Seriously, he's adorable in all aspects of the word.

The problem? He's not even on the same continent as me, I've never actually met him, he likes to drink (I think it just comes with the fact that he's scottish) and he's a lot more experienced than me.

Ugh, why does he have to be so sweet? and so adorable? We've only been talking for a little over a week, and already, I feel hooked. I haven't been quite like this over a guy in a long time. A couple of times, he'd tell me how he wanted a hug and I just wish I could give it to him...

Then again, I don't know him! And he's so far away! Damnit, what is it with me? I always find the least attainable guys to fall for, and I only come out of it bummed out and stuff.

Geez, my last post was in April. Where has the time gone? I can't believe it's already october. And in exactly one week, I will turn 19. It's not a significant age, but it's still older, and it's kinda weird.

I'm in a strange mood right now, as usual when I put up a new post. It may have to do with the fact that my birthday is coming up, or maybe it's just that pumpkin spice latte that I had earlier with my friends mixed with the lack of sleep I'm getting as a result. Either way, I feel so lost.

I've been reflecting on a few things lately, and here's the first of them:

These days, I feel like such a different person than I used to be. I think reality is catching up to all the things I've ever dreamed of and is telling me that's it's just not going to happen. I don't know what I want anymore. I used to want to leave, to get away from it all and lead an exciting life that I wouldn't regret. Now, I've suddenly formed all these bonds here. There's my nephew who is growing up so nicely right in front of my eyes and I wouldn't want to miss it for the world. I've built a strong relationship with my sister. My dad has come home and I can actually say that I love him and want to spend time with him. And then there's my best friend who I'd hate to leave behind. Sometimes I wonder if it was easier when I had no ties here; at least, not ones so strong. Then I would've been able to leave with nothing more than a quick glance back. So now, I wonder, how do these bonds fit in with the life I had always envisioned for myself?

Also, I've been reevaluating some of my friendships. Don't get me wrong, they're most definitely good people and I love them dearly. My friends are precious to me and they always will be. Yet, sometimes, I'm in such awe at how different I am from my friends. It seems to always be that way. I always feel like the odd one out. And it's really hard because I can't ever seem to find worthwhile friends that share my interests. I'd like to think that I'm a cultured person; I adore museums, and music, and beautiful architecture, and classical music. I also love exploring and checking out local bands. I like doing things and living life. That doesn't seem to be what they want. If I had to describe them as anything, I would call them very small town, which is ironic because we live in one of the most populated cities in the country. I don't know, I can't understand how they don't get bored of their small time activities in a place that explodes with culture and such things. We have a lot in common, of course, and our many differences make for entertaining gatherings nad fun times, but I just don't understand how our interests can be so vastly different.

I don't know. I think the coffee's beginning to wear off, or else my mind is just too exhausted to continue. On a lighter, ending note, I will say that my dear friend from the opposite end of the country has returned home for the weekend. I had forgotten how good it could feel to just be with him. I'd forgotten just how much I adore him. But I do know how much I'm going to miss him when he's gone again. It makes me so happy just to know how close he is. How devastating it'll be when he's gone...

So maybe that wasn't exactly ending on a lighter note, but regardless, adieu.