today was our last day of normal school. tomorrow, we have 2 finals and then grad practice.

yearbooks have been flying around like crazy...
it's all over...
I had to say goodbye to the underclassmen that would not be attending graduation.

it's funny, right when I start getting to know people I never thought I'd get to know... making new friends... renewing old friendships... noticing that guy in class with the beautiful blue eyes and adorable smile... it's all over...

we could all possibly cross paths again one day, right?
if not in life, than possibly at some alumni event...

I never realized how short 4 years could actually be...

I'm tripping out because it's really ending.
Tomorrow is our last day of actual school...
then we go into "finals"...

I really got through it all...
It's really almost over...
it's a weird feeling...

I'm kinda sad that it's all over...



I hated it and I wouldn't do it all over again, but I'm really going to miss it...

I love my nephew Anthony so incredibly much.

I was the first person, other than the parents and doctors, to hold baby anthony.
he's beautiful, absolutely perfect. he's quiet, healthy, and has chubby cheeks, dimples and big eyes.

I loved him instantly.
it was a trancendent experience...

I wish I could hold him forever...
Shelter him from any pain he may one day experience...
Teach him to appreciate every moment...

I hope he has a life that he fully deserves...

it's raining...
it's beautiful and it feels wonderful...
I love it...
if I could, I'd stand in it until it stopped...
its here to wash away the bad...
to soothe my mind...
to refresh me...
to remind me of more beautiful things...
to drown out any sorrows...

such a simple thing to bring me so much joy...

I really love it...
maybe I do, only because it's so rare...
a shower like this, after such warm weather, in Southern California in the month of May...

oh, if only I didn't have school tomorrow morning...

nature is marvelous...
I'm now off to enjoy it...
just for a little bit more...




now I'm just afraid of when it stops...

two weeks tomorrow, and it's all over. 90% of these people will never see me again.
I'm ready to go... I think... I hope...
There is a long list of things that I will miss most...
Sitting at the lunch table with my friends...
the band room as my second home...
Mr. Falls and his hearing problems...
Mr. Beckman and his wisdom...
Mr. Combes and all the time we've spent with him...
Mr. P and his strangeness...
the darkroom that I've recently learned to use...
the early mornings with jess and josie...
band practices every wednesday...
football season...
basketall season...
playing my bari sax...
weird bando moments...
Jessica and her extreme strangeness...
Josephine and her everything...
Jason and his strange, adorable dorkiness and farting...
Curtis sitting there driving me crazy but making me laugh...
Kevin helping curtis drive me crazy and making me laugh...
the twin thing I have with Nicole...
4th periods in the band library...
concert season...
surprise visits or even planned visits by alumni...
the crazy underclassmen...
my favorite underclassmen...
especially kentin and timothy...
band music...
band in general, really...
and most of all,
the people I've met and connected with on some level...


it's almost sad to see it all slowly become my past...
two weeks tomorrow...

I have come to the realization that I sacrifice a lot for my friends...
so much so, that I sacrifice my own happiness in the process...
I love doing it for the ones I love, it makes me happy...
but giving them their happiness is sometimes suppressing my own self.

It's like this, I try so hard to make my friends feel safe and secure with me so that they feel comfortable if they choose to confide in me, and they do...
yet, when it comes to confiding in them, I can't.
I don't want them to worry about me, I don't them to feel my burdens, I don't them to pity me, I don't want them to feel my deepest sorrows...

My world is still in its just shattered stage...
I can't find the strength to piece it back together...
and I don't know if I can do it alone...
but I don't want to force someone to help me...

I'm beginning to feel like an incoherent mess...

Maybe it's just another step towards my insanity...


On a different note:
Last night marked an end.
the evening as a whole was beautiful, wonderful, fun...
and yet, terribly sad and disappointing...
I wish it weren't over...

My head wants desperately to let go
But my heart won't let me...

I don't have the strength to do this anymore. I'm shaking and crying as I write this. it's just too hard. I just can't do it, I really can't. I just can't feel this much pain anymore, and it really does just hurt so incredibly bad. my world keeps shattering, and everytime I find some hope to putting it all back together, it continues to shatter. everytime I think that things can only go up from this point, someone or something proves me wrong. I wish things were easier. I wish my problems were stupid and silly, like getting grounded or something. I can't deal with lies and tales and hopelessness and betrayal. for all these years, I've been "strong". I think I've lost that strength. it's dried up. I can't be strong... not for myself... not for other people...

the amount of pain is so intense...
dying couldn't possibly hurt me more...
what can I do now?
who could possibly save me now?

if the point of life is to suffer, why live?
I value my life, and I want to live to find out why we live...
I just hope I find the strength to do so...

I feel so alone today...
I don't know why. I can't explain the loneliness.
maybe I actually can, but I don't want to know.

21 days left...
what am I going to do?