So last week, I pretty much spent an entire day crying over him. Because I miss him and I still want him despite everything. I wrote him a letter and I just thought I'd post it here, since I don't think I could ever manage to send it to him.
"March 4, 2008
Dear M***,
God, I always feel like I have so much to say to you but whenever I try to get it out, I have nothing. It's kind of sad really. It's been over two months since things started going downhill and now I think we have reached the bottom with no hope of going back up. It makes me really sad actually, because I really cared about you. you became someone that was so important to me. I wouldn't say that I was in love with you, I don't think that would be possible yet, but I can honestly say that it broke my heart a little when you started drifting away from me and it breaks my heart now when I think about how I don't have you at all and about what could have been. It hurts to wonder whether or not you even think about me anymore, especially since I am constantly finding you on my mind.
You pretty much came into my life from out of no where. I wasn't expecting you in the least bit, and honestly, I hadn't been waiting for someone to come along and sweep me off my feet. But then you came and you definitely left your mark in my life, even if our time was short. I knew that our odds were complete shit, that the odds of me ending up heartbroken were extremely high and the odds of us working were ridiculously slim. But still, I didn't expect this. I didn't expect for it to happen so soon or so quickly. I thought you would try a little more. I thought we would still be able to talk. You were friendlier to me that very first time you contacted me then you are now. I miss that time so much.
I don't want to say that I regret you. I don't hate the moment you first decided to email me. I don't wish that I never gave you my screen name. But I have to say, things were so much easier before you came along. And things are so much harder now that you are out of it.
I miss you so much. I miss your voice. I miss your texts. I miss your emails. I miss emailing you. I miss chatting with you. I miss the silly smile that would appear on my face because of you. You told me that I was constantly on your mind. You used to have dreams of me. You used to want to take care of me. You used to want to make me smile. You used to want me. Where did all that go? Did it even really exist? Do you regret it all? Do you even care anymore?
I wanted to hold on to you with all my might for as long as possible. I hate that I've given up already, or at least, that I'm trying my hardest to.
Just thinking about you now makes my heart heavy and tears come to my eyes. I almost with I could forget about you as easily as you've apparently forgotten about me. Almost.
You once asked me if I loved you. I told you I didn't know what love was, but I believed that maybe one day, I would see that what I felt for you was love.
Now, I really hope that this wasn't love...
And that breaks my heart...
Take care of yourself, M***. Please. I really hope you achieve all your goals in life. Maybe one day, we'll come across each other again."
It hurt me pretty bad that I didn't know how to sign it. I ended up just putting my name, but it just didn't feel right. *sigh* C'est le vie. Right?
