I'm currently pissed off at the world. I'm angry with too many people, so much so, that I feel like my blog is the only place where I can rant and get out all of my "inner turmoil".
First off, I'm pissed at my best friend because there have only been two times when I have called him, nearly in tears, to have him not answer his phone. however, that's not what I'm angry about, I understand that some people don't have their phones on them or are in the middle of something and so on. I'm angry because I left a message that I believed sounded urgent and rather desperate, and he didn't call me until the next night, almost 24 hours later. Actually, the first time, he didn't call me back for several days and I was sobbing pretty hard when I left that one. he didn't give me a reason or even mention my message at all. this time, he called me back the night after, which I guess is an improvement, but I was too angry to speak to him. my message informed him that I desperately needed a favor from him and I told him to please please please call me back. he had an entire day to call me back and ask if I was ok. what if it had been something more serious? I don't even know if I can count on him if I were ever in need of assistance, and after 5 years of friendship, I think that really sucks. I'll probably get over it soon enough and act like it never happened, but still, I'm pissed.
And then, there are my two closest girlfriends. I feel like they are constantly blowing me off. They haven't even given me the opportunity to open up to them, and there's just so much shit I have talk about. it's like we're all on different continents now. I don't think they know anything about me these days because they haven't even asked. it hurts like hell to know that they find everything to be more important than our friendship.
History is repeating itself. I'm always the one that always there for my friends when they need me. I always come running to help them, but when the situation is reversed, it's like they don't know what to do to help me so they go running. It's just so incredibly hard for me to open up, for me to share my most intimate details, feelings, and emotions, I need people to help drag it out of me. I need them to care enough to ask, and I'll probably break down the walls I put up. I need them to see.
My stepfather has been served with the divorce papers. for over 10 years, he's been the only true father figure I've ever had. I feel sorry for him, despite what he did to my mom, because he's done so much for me. this divorce is killing me. i love him. it hurts me to know that he's probably in pain, just like my mother. he'll probably be the only father figure i'll ever know. My dad is only half the father my stepdad was. and now, I don't know what's going to happen between my stepdad and I. He and I don't share a blood bond, so now that he and my mother are getting divorced, what does it mean for me? I don't know if I mean anything to him anymore. I don't know if I'll be seeing him again. I don't know how he'll treat me or how I should treat him. I hope he's doing ok. I hope he doesn't hate my mother and us. and I hope he doesn't do anything more that makes me regret caring about him. I may not be able to understand her or know who she has become these days, but I love her all the same, and I don't want any more misery for her.
I think I would've given up on life by now, if it weren't for my older sister and my beautiful nephew. The kid's only 6 months old, but he's saving my life. He's all that I've got going for me in the world, the only thing keeping me from running away from it all.
Why is everything so incredibly complicated?
