I thought this deserved its own separate post. This was actually on my mind last night, but I didn't think to post it here then and I had a nice escape in the form of a certain guy. So tonight, I will type this out...

Yesterday, my dad got married to a girl who isn't very much older than I am. It grossed me out a bit, and yeah, I was kind of disturbed. That's how I felt when I found out he was even dating her in the first place. I want my dad to be happy, but seriously? This can't possibly be it. I think he'll regret this one day and by then, what can he do?

And then there's my mother. She's been acting like a teenager since her divorce, not that she'd been completely innocent when she was married still or anything. She's been hanging around this guy who has 4 kids under the age of ten. These kids call her mommy and piled her with gifts on Mother's Day (which she didn't spend with her own children) even though she claims to us that she's just friends with their father. It's all rather warped to me... And to make matters worse, she apparently has a new boyfriend an hour away from here which is why she'd been spending so much time over there, though she claims she's spending time with her sister who also lives there. She also wants to move to that county by the end of summer.

I've never been particularly close to my parents. I love them, yes. They care about me, yes. But they don't know me. They've never truly tried and they never will. This much, I know and accept. But seriously? I'm embarrassed by all the stupid crap they do. It's all getting to be a bit much. I would kind of like to have a normal family.

I just don't know. My life is just ridiculous. I feel like I'm in a bad soap opera that will never end.

But through it all, I'm afraid.

I'm afraid that I'll turn out like my parents, that I am like my parents; at least when it comes to love and relationships. I saw my older sister act like them. I've never been in a real relationship so I'm not sure how I'd act, but what if it's just like them. They're unable to be faithful. They love but they still hurt the ones they love. They string people along, lead them on, then break their hearts. They use people and dispose of them. I understand that they've been hurt and they're still GOOD people who I will always love unconditionally, but even still...

I do not want to be like them and I am terrified that I will be...

I watched Atonement (starring Kiera Knightly and James McAvoy) tonight. I've never read the book and really didn't know what the movie was going to be about so I just watched it. Don't read any further if you haven't but plan to watch the movie.


My goodness, it's depressing! I didn't cry, but the urge was most definitely there. And hours later, I'm still thinking about it.

The whole story is about loving someone, but due to circumstances out of your control, you cannot be with that someone. All you get is the hope that one day, you'll finally get to be together.

Well, in this movie, there is no ending in which they all live happily ever after. The two main characters live and die (and their deaths are sad and tragic in their own right) with nothing more than that hope.

Imagine finding the one you love but never getting to be with them. What then? Do you just settle? Do you wait and die hoping? Can you live knowing that your true love is there, just barely out of reach? Is it justifiable to forget morality in order to reach it?

I would love to know the answers...

He's broken his finger.
He got the job.
He's had a terrible weekend.

And I know all this without ever hearing a direct word from him.
It hurts a bit to learn all this via away message...

I reached out to him and I got nothing in return. This is the second time in a row now and while I'm not terribly surprised by it, I'm still so disappointed.

My heart kind of feels broken. It has for so long now, but it's hurting right now. For some reason, I am wondering if you're happier without me. If making your money is more important than I ever was or could be. What was the point in even having me? Do you ever think of me? Do I matter anymore? What happened? Why did I suddenly stop mattering to you?

I'm beginning to accept that I'll never get that sort of closure from you. I understand now that I need to just let you go. You will only ever hurt me. All the good you ever did for me is now outweighed by the bad. I'm terrified now, because of you.

I knew it would end like this eventually. I wish I had had more time to brace myself for it.

And the twisted part of me knows that if you ever tried to get back into my life, I'd give you that second chance in a heartbeat. I don't know why I always do it, but I do.

I just miss you. But I really wish I didn't.
I regret you. It would've been easier to have never met you.

Goodbye, Mike.
And I learn.

Tonight, I missed you. But he made it better. This is still all so confusing for me but oh well. I don't know how else to do this.

I want and need to get out.

"i know how much he hurt you"

My best friend, Jessica, wrote that to me earlier. She can't possibly know how much that means to me. It still hurts me so much and it is definitely affecting me still. I should be over it by now, but he just keeps messing with me and allowing me to regain hope. And so, instead, I'm trapped in this ridiculous cycle that I just haven't been able to break out of. I'd like to at least be friends but I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle that.

And now, there's someone else. At first, he was just a friend, a good, caring, flirtatious friend. Then he became my comfort and my distraction. For a while, I regarded him as just my rebound guy. But as we talk more and more, I wonder if I do have genuine feelings for him. I was unable to see us ever developing into anything before, but now, I think I can.

But he comes with so many complications and I'm still so jaded. Then again, this keeps things moving slow and slow is a good thing for me.

I've lost my train of thought so I'm going to stop rambling.