I feel so... unnecessary...
I don't really know how else to describe it.
My life definitely isn't going the way I want it too. Everything seems to be going so utterly wrong. Nothing feels right anymore.
When the good moments happen, I throw myself so completely into it...
and when it's over, I'm left with nothing but the memory of a good moment, which makes me feel so much more empty.
I don't know how to change it all. I feel like I've lost all control.
I feel like I'm floating on a cloud a million miles away while a shell of me is going through the motions of my life...
I can't help but feeling that my life is a mistake... that every action I've ever taken has led me further and further astray...

Isn't this the point where things can only get better? Or do I still have yet to hit rock bottom?
I shudder at the thought.
I want to cry a lot of the time...
but I'm up on my cloud and my shell is unable to shed a tear...

I don't know anything anymore...
my life is just useless rambling...

More and more, I think I made a mistake when I chose to leave home for college...
I'm only an hour away, and yet, I might as well be so much further...

I feel alone here, though I'm not necessarily unhappy.
And then, back at home, I feel so incredibly needed.
My mom is going through a divorce...
My sister is stuck at home, usually alone....
My best friend is dealing with a psychotic father and a whole slew of issues...
My other best friend is dealing with many family issues...
My nephew is still just a little baby...

I want to be there for them all...
But how can I, when 5 days our of the week, I have school, an hour away...

so what do I do?

I'm 18 years old today...
it's a crazy thought. so many things have changed over the years, I'm a completely different person...

I don't think I've ever felt so lost...
I don't think I've ever felt less like myself...
I don't think I've got a clue about what to do about it...

Happy birthday to me...

I am so incredibly off. I can hardly believe that I'm about to turn 18.

I have no job, but i really want one. I think I will celebrate my 18th birthday by getting a job. it will be my gift to myself.

I haven't got a clue as to what I want to do for the big day. My best friend is busy, my other best friend is going to another country. I guess it's good that I have THREE best friends then.
I guess I'll have dinner with the family and be spontaneous for the rest of the day.

Finally 18...