I realized something today and I'm not completely sure how I feel about it...

I will be seeing him tomorrow and I want to just talk and figure things out. I have no idea what I am going to say. A couple of nights ago, I was certain that I wanted to be with him, but with each passing minute, I could feel that resolve weakening. Even now, I feel completely torn in half about it.

But it helped me realized one of the truest reasons why I'm so afraid of throwing myself into a relationship, why I'm so afraid of 'commitment'.

I feel like the moment I label myself as 'his girlfriend', that's all I'll ever be. I feel like I would end up losing myself completely. I'm just such a pushover. I'm terrified of speaking about my emotions and feelings. Everything about me is just so suppressed that even when I try to talk, nothing comes out. But at least by myself, I still hold my own identity.

With someone else in that way, I just know that I'll end up immersing myself in his world, his life. It's the way I function. I can't say no. I know it's not healthy, but I've been this way for so long, I don't know how to be otherwise.

So now what? I really have no idea. I don't want to let this fear prevent me on some of the great things of life. But this fear is perfectly valid and a frightening possibility for me. And if this is what happens, then the moment the relationship crumbles, so would I.

I'm scared. I'm terrified. I'm confused.
How typical.

P.S. I actually found this secret after I wrote this post... Hm.