so the other night, I received a phone call from my father.

I'm pretty sure that I can honestly say that I love my father, but I can't say he's my favorite guy. my stepdad has been around for almost 10 years of my life, and he's been more of a father to me that my real father ever has been. I'm sure my father loves me, but he has no idea who I am, what I like, what I want to do with my life, who my friends are, or what type of person I am. he has never asked and i doubt he ever will. I don't have or want to have a relationship with my father. to me, he's almost like a distant family member. I'm not complaining really, (or am I?). I almost prefer it this way. my father is not an ideal man. he's screwed up one too many times, to the point where he can't even return home. I can't say I'm really proud of him.

my sister was telling me how angry she was that he missed her wedding and she told me that she truly hopes that he will make it to my graduation. she said it was the one thing he has always wanted, for his children to do well in school and graduate high school and move onto college.
well, it's really the only thing he cares about. I think he cares only because he wants to brag about it to his buddies and the rest of the family. what a reason, right?
anyway, she was telling me all this, and frankly, I don't think I want him there. true, I may regret this in 4 months and start bawling when he isn't there, but I don't think he deserves to be there. he has done nothing to help me get to where i am, except maybe getting my mom pregnant and screwing up so bad that my mother found my stepdad. for now, i think missing my graduation would be good for him. although, he may only care for a period of 1 hour. my dad is such an unpredictable man, but in a bad way.

I can't forgive him for the things he has done or has not done.
maybe one day when I no longer have that choice.

I just hope I never become like he is.