yes, I am still in this pleasant mood. unfortunately, I think the only reason why I am in a more pleasant mood is because I have stressed myself out to my max. there is no way that I can be more stressed out, so now the only way left to go is up. maybe hitting rock bottom isn't too bad afterall.

so today was the last parade I will ever compete in with my school marching band. 5 trophies, first place is everything. that's really good. we definitely went out with a bang. the more I thought about it, the more I realized just how much I'm going to miss it. I bitch a lot about it when I'm going through it, but it still holds a lot of meaning to me. it's like a family, sometimes you absolutely despise your family, but there will always be that bond. it's kind of sad to see it all end. no more halftime shows, basketball games, and now, no more parades. after 4 years, I'll admit that it's slightly disappointing to see it end. not that I want to go out and do more, there's no way in hell. but it's kind of like mr. beckman said, high school is some of the greatest years of your life, but he would never do it all over again.

which leads me to this, as graduation slowly approaches, I feel extreme joy and yet, I don't want to let go of high school. it's not that I love high school and I don't want it to end, but rather, I'm terrified of what'll happen afterwards. it's so unknown. what if everything I've ever wanted will never be what I have? what if I finally get what I wanted and I realize that I wanted something else? I'm so afraid that I'm going to make a decision now that I'll regret in 5 years. I don't want to look back on my life with regrets. I'm ready to leave, but I'm not ready for anything after that. I wonder if I've suffered enough yet. I wonder if I can finally achieve my real happiness.

I think, right now, I'm afraid that I'll be everything I don't want because I couldn't achieve what I wanted.

13 more weeks....