I'm alive.
That's good news.

So much has changed. I don't even know where to begin, but hey, I'm alive. And tomorrow, I will be alive for a total of 21 years. It's exciting, I suppose.

There's too much on my mind. I should sleep though. Let's hope I continue blogging again. I know I need the mental release.

I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I'm just going with it, even though I'm fairly certain that I'm going absolutely everything wrong.

Whatever. I don't care anymore. I just need to feel something good. I need to feel like I'm worth something, even if I'm not.

I realized something today and I'm not completely sure how I feel about it...

I will be seeing him tomorrow and I want to just talk and figure things out. I have no idea what I am going to say. A couple of nights ago, I was certain that I wanted to be with him, but with each passing minute, I could feel that resolve weakening. Even now, I feel completely torn in half about it.

But it helped me realized one of the truest reasons why I'm so afraid of throwing myself into a relationship, why I'm so afraid of 'commitment'.

I feel like the moment I label myself as 'his girlfriend', that's all I'll ever be. I feel like I would end up losing myself completely. I'm just such a pushover. I'm terrified of speaking about my emotions and feelings. Everything about me is just so suppressed that even when I try to talk, nothing comes out. But at least by myself, I still hold my own identity.

With someone else in that way, I just know that I'll end up immersing myself in his world, his life. It's the way I function. I can't say no. I know it's not healthy, but I've been this way for so long, I don't know how to be otherwise.

So now what? I really have no idea. I don't want to let this fear prevent me on some of the great things of life. But this fear is perfectly valid and a frightening possibility for me. And if this is what happens, then the moment the relationship crumbles, so would I.

I'm scared. I'm terrified. I'm confused.
How typical.

P.S. I actually found this secret after I wrote this post... Hm.

I can't keep doing this.
I just can't. And I shouldn't have to.

I'm tired of the tears and the loneliness.
I shouldn't feel this way if I really have you.

You have absolutely no consideration for me.
You say that you do, but it always seems like 'out of sight, out of mind' with you.
Even after we talked, how could nothing change?

I feel like I keep breaking, and the glue that puts me bad together just gets less and less effective. What happens when I break beyond repair? Or the glue just stops being effective altogether?

I shouldn't have been so stupid.
I knew from the beginning that this would be short lived.

And yet, somehow, I feel horrible for giving up like this.
Fuck. I'm so fucked up. I try so hard to please everyone else that even I don't have any consideration for me. How the hell can I expect anyone else to?

Fuck.

I opened up last night as much as I could. I don't think he realized just how hard it was for me. I did my best, though maybe I should've waited until my best was better.

I'm scared that it'll change things for the worse. With M, the moment I disclosed my feelings was the moment he began pulling away. I'm scared that it'll happen again.

But at the same time, I'm scared that nothing will change and I'll just be stuck like this forever.

He was so sweet last night. He said he cared about me so much.He said I was too good for him. He said he was afraid of losing me. He said he just wanted me to be happy.

But I just don't know.

I cried that night. I didn't mean to and I didn't want to, but the tears were spilling out before I could even process them. And I had no idea how to tell you.

For someone who knows me so well, I don't understand how you could be the way you are. You say you try. You say you care. But it's so hard to believe you when every action is a contradiction of your words.

If you really wanted to talk to me, it would happen. If you really wanted to see me, it would happen. If you really cared about me, you'd show me.

But instead, all I get are words whenever it's convenient for you. I have absolutely no idea what to do.

Sometimes I wonder if officially committing to each other would change things between us. But it's hard to even seriously consider that commitment when you do nothing to encourage me. Sigh. I just don't know how to change this.

I hate crying. I don't even understand why I am. I feel like I'm on a stupid emotional rollercoaster. One minute, he makes me happy and less alone. but the rest of the time, I feel used, lonely, and confused. I feel desperate and pathetic so often, but is it really that desperate and pathetic to need the affection sometimes?

I don't know how to change this.