Divorce is ugly. A second one is even worse.

My poor mother, that's twice that she's had to go through such a sad, heartbreaking process. She's only been serious about 2 men in her life, she married them both, and they broke her heart. There really is no easy and clean way to end things, but my mother has probably gone through the worst way to end things. She's sad, but she's strong enough not to show it to us kids.

And me? It hurts a lot. This is the second father figure that has betrayed me and I still haven't been able to forgive the first one, who by the way, just recently appeared back in my life. My stepfather has done so much for me. Without him, I wouldn't have had the high school experience that I had or met the friends I've met or even discovered Tahoe. He's actually been there for me, more so than more father ever has or probably ever will. I used to think that he loved me and cared about me as his own, but things quickly changed as his relationship with my mother changed. I thought that I meant enough to him that he'd be there for me, even if he and my mother split up, but I guess that was a naive notion. I loved him enough to call him dad.

Twice scorned... I don't know if I'll ever be able to accept another father figure into my life. Maybe I'm old enough that I won't need one. Can anyone ever be too old for a father? I don't actually know, but I guess it really doesn't matter. I have my mother, my sisters, my nephew, my friends, who needs a father? I have all I could want, and I guess there's always my dad if I'm awfully desperate. As long as they are all alive and well, I will be too.

The only other man that I've ever looked up to is my only surviving grandfather. I love him so much. He's such a strong and respectable man, but even he won't be around much longer. At least I've had him for as long as I have, and when I inevitably lose him, I will have many memories of him. Cancer, death, and old age is a lot worse than divorce.

Everything is so overwhelming. All it gives me is a headache.

I'm tired of crying.