Bloop!

2009-10-13T02:56:00.000-07:00

I'm alive.
That's good news.

So much has changed. I don't even know where to begin, but hey, I'm alive. And tomorrow, I will be alive for a total of 21 years. It's exciting, I suppose.

There's too much on my mind. I should sleep though. Let's hope I continue blogging again. I know I need the mental release.

2009-05-20T20:30:00.000-07:00

I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I'm just going with it, even though I'm fairly certain that I'm going absolutely everything wrong.

Whatever. I don't care anymore. I just need to feel something good. I need to feel like I'm worth something, even if I'm not.

2009-03-25T23:03:00.000-07:00

I realized something today and I'm not completely sure how I feel about it...

I will be seeing him tomorrow and I want to just talk and figure things out. I have no idea what I am going to say. A couple of nights ago, I was certain that I wanted to be with him, but with each passing minute, I could feel that resolve weakening. Even now, I feel completely torn in half about it.

But it helped me realized one of the truest reasons why I'm so afraid of throwing myself into a relationship, why I'm so afraid of 'commitment'.

I feel like the moment I label myself as 'his girlfriend', that's all I'll ever be. I feel like I would end up losing myself completely. I'm just such a pushover. I'm terrified of speaking about my emotions and feelings. Everything about me is just so suppressed that even when I try to talk, nothing comes out. But at least by myself, I still hold my own identity.

With someone else in that way, I just know that I'll end up immersing myself in his world, his life. It's the way I function. I can't say no. I know it's not healthy, but I've been this way for so long, I don't know how to be otherwise.

So now what? I really have no idea. I don't want to let this fear prevent me on some of the great things of life. But this fear is perfectly valid and a frightening possibility for me. And if this is what happens, then the moment the relationship crumbles, so would I.

I'm scared. I'm terrified. I'm confused.
How typical.

P.S. I actually found this secret after I wrote this post... Hm.

2009-03-19T02:29:00.000-07:00

I can't keep doing this.
I just can't. And I shouldn't have to.

I'm tired of the tears and the loneliness.
I shouldn't feel this way if I really have you.

You have absolutely no consideration for me.
You say that you do, but it always seems like 'out of sight, out of mind' with you.
Even after we talked, how could nothing change?

I feel like I keep breaking, and the glue that puts me bad together just gets less and less effective. What happens when I break beyond repair? Or the glue just stops being effective altogether?

I shouldn't have been so stupid.
I knew from the beginning that this would be short lived.

And yet, somehow, I feel horrible for giving up like this.
Fuck. I'm so fucked up. I try so hard to please everyone else that even I don't have any consideration for me. How the hell can I expect anyone else to?

Fuck.

2009-03-18T00:38:00.000-07:00

I opened up last night as much as I could. I don't think he realized just how hard it was for me. I did my best, though maybe I should've waited until my best was better.

I'm scared that it'll change things for the worse. With M, the moment I disclosed my feelings was the moment he began pulling away. I'm scared that it'll happen again.

But at the same time, I'm scared that nothing will change and I'll just be stuck like this forever.

He was so sweet last night. He said he cared about me so much.He said I was too good for him. He said he was afraid of losing me. He said he just wanted me to be happy.

But I just don't know.

2009-03-16T20:22:00.000-07:00

I cried that night. I didn't mean to and I didn't want to, but the tears were spilling out before I could even process them. And I had no idea how to tell you.

For someone who knows me so well, I don't understand how you could be the way you are. You say you try. You say you care. But it's so hard to believe you when every action is a contradiction of your words.

If you really wanted to talk to me, it would happen. If you really wanted to see me, it would happen. If you really cared about me, you'd show me.

But instead, all I get are words whenever it's convenient for you. I have absolutely no idea what to do.

Sometimes I wonder if officially committing to each other would change things between us. But it's hard to even seriously consider that commitment when you do nothing to encourage me. Sigh. I just don't know how to change this.

2009-03-12T01:37:00.000-07:00

I hate crying. I don't even understand why I am. I feel like I'm on a stupid emotional rollercoaster. One minute, he makes me happy and less alone. but the rest of the time, I feel used, lonely, and confused. I feel desperate and pathetic so often, but is it really that desperate and pathetic to need the affection sometimes?

I don't know how to change this.

2009-02-13T11:14:00.000-08:00

"I wonder if it's him that is making me suffer...or if it's me."

It seems so appropriate with the way I feel sometimes.

I hate the way I've been feeling lately. He's driving me crazy. I don't know how he can be so sweet one day and then just disappear without a word the next. I don't know what to do anymore.

A big part of me wants to just take advantage of the space and distance myself from him but at the same time, I really am hoping that he refuses to let me do this.

I don't know what I really want. My head and my emotions are all so conflicting and confusing. This is seriously lame, for lack of a better word.

I blame Valentine's day. It's never been my favorite day and it definitely still is not.

2009-01-30T13:21:00.000-08:00

School has begun again. So far, my classes look promising. I'm content with it all so far. Children's literature, Child development, Sociology of death and dying, Sociology of the family, and Writing for the professional field... I feel like I'm finally concentrating and working towards getting things done. It's a good feeling. Now, I just have to make sure I pass them all. I can do that, right? *knock on wood*

On a completely different note, I hung out with him the other day. It was nice. We sat in the backseat of my car for a while and talked. And then he told me he didn't understand me and asked me why I do this.

I swear I tensed up for a moment. I felt surprised and confused and uncertain.

He told me that I should belong to someone, that I'm just too awesome to not belong to someone. My heart really stirred at that. I wasn't sure how to respond to that. How is one supposed to respond to that?

Part of me thought, well, I don't really want to belong to anyone! And another thought, well, maybe I could belong to him. And the insecure part of me thought, truth is, no one really wants me to belong to them.

But of course, I couldn't say anything at all. Instead, I just buried my face in his chest and only peek up at him a couple of times to see him staring at me. Then he apologized for making things serious and upsetting me.

When he had to leave, I really didn't want to let him go. I felt more upset than I should have. It was strange. I think I feel like he doesn't really make time for me. I don't know if I'm just being insecure and selfish, but it bothered me.

His words and his actions send out mixed signals to me. But I'm sure I'm no picnic to understand either. Sigh.

2009-01-03T13:44:00.000-08:00

My heart hurts. And I don't fully understand why.
I just feel so lonely and I'm tired of it. It makes my mind play tricks on me and think stupid things. I just want to feel safe somewhere. I want to feel wanted somewhere. It sounds overdramatic which only makes it all the more depressing that it's true.

The weird thing is.. I don't even know if I want him... but a part of me says I should convince myself that I do so that I can at least pretend for a while... But my reasons for not wanting to be in a relationship with him are logical and valid...

Am I just doing this to myself? I don't even know what I'm rambling on and on about... I'm just tired of it all. I want to escape.

Sigh.

2008-12-16T21:16:00.000-08:00

I want to write. I feel like I need to write. But I have absolutely no idea what I want to say. I'm so uncertain about what's going through my brain. It just keeps jumping from topic to topic. I should be studying for my final tomorrow but instead, I just keep thinking about everything else.

I just need someone to connect with. I need someone who will really be there for me. I need to find my way.

I just want to do something "right" for once.

2008-12-03T22:57:00.000-08:00

Tonight, I wondered if I would ever manage to be in a normal relationship.
For me, the girlfriend, to have him, the boyfriend, and do normal, girlfriend-boyfriend stuff, like holding hands or meeting each other's families or just hanging out and talking on a regular basis.

That's what people in a relationship do, right? That stuff's easy enough. I could do those sorts of things, right? Normal people want to do that kind of stuff, right?

It's normal to want more than these odd... arrangements... I seem to constantly find myself in, right?

Now I've lost my train of thought and all I want to do is curl up into my blanket and sleep everything away...

Song to listen to: Tragedy (Austin Cello Version) - Brandi Carlile

2008-11-26T22:32:00.000-08:00

It's hard to believe that it was only a year ago that you were making empty promises to me. Did you actually mean the things that you said to me at the time? This was our peak.. and it makes me so sad to think back on it.

I STILL wonder what would've happened if I had only told you yes...

2008-10-10T15:52:00.000-07:00

I am lost and I don't know what to do. I've strayed far and I can't find my way back. I'm afraid that I never will. How can one accept that? How do you start from scratch?

I'm so tired of being afraid...
But I'm so scared of getting hurt...

Sigh.

2008-07-31T13:34:00.000-07:00

It feels like people only keep me around because I'm convenient...
It's a very lonely feeling...
I can't help it though...

I don't know why I feel so worthless. I shouldn't base my value off of other people but even I have a hard time believing I'm worth having...

I don't know who I'm trying to impress, but I feel like I'll never be good enough. I just don't believe I'll ever achieve anything I want and it pushes me that much further away from the few goals I actually do have...

I wish I could talk to someone about it all... I just know that I couldn't, even if I tried.

Why is it hurting? Sigh. I'm lost. I'm scared. I'm alone.

I don't know what to do... I've never felt closer to giving up on life...

2008-07-27T04:30:00.000-07:00

God.. this secret couldn't possibly be any truer... sigh.
I just don't know what I'm doing anymore... And I don't know how to change.
I'm so confused... That's why I just try not to think at all.

I hurt him... I didn't mean to do it, but I did. I feel awful about it...
But he hurt me back. He ignored me and disappeared on me for 10 days. I didn't like it at all... It felt like before... It hurt me so bad. And I missed him so much. I actually cried a bit over it all.

But if he knew what happened, I think he'd be hurt all over again... I need to stop. But this is all so hard. I just don't know anymore... sigh.

I'm just not happy.

2008-07-15T22:30:00.000-07:00

I feel so lost... so confused...

I just don't know anymore.

I want to fly. I want to feel free.

2008-06-25T13:27:00.000-07:00

I'm in an odd place right now and I really don't like it. But honestly, I don't know what to do. Things weren't supposed to be this way. I just want to be happy...

I've been thinking about M, lately. I don't miss him anymore. I truly believe that I'm over him now. But he's crossed my mind several times and I've been feeling this strange urge to reread his emails and texts and to reminisce. I really want to just do it, but I'm kind of afraid that doing so will make me want him all over again and I definitely can't do that... Maybe I do still kind of miss him. Or at least, I miss what we had and how he made me feel. I miss talking to him and thinking about him and the relationship (however you want to define it) we once had.

I feel so lost in life. I don't know what I want or what I have. I don't know where I want to go. It shouldn't be this hard to figure stuff out! So then... why is it?

I'm sick of pressure and routine. I am so desperate to get away. I want to jump in my car and just keep on going and going...

I need an escape...

2008-06-06T14:48:00.000-07:00

So the other night, I had a couple of dreams and for some reason, I actually remembered them.

Dream #1: I don't know what I was doing but I looked down and noticed that the bracelet my best friend gave me was gone. I freaked out and looked everywhere for it. (I actually woke up and checked to make sure the bracelet wasn't missing).

Dream #2: So, for some odd reason, I went to go visit M in Michigan and D also lived in the same city as M. The whole time I was in Michigan, planning to meet up with M, I was debating on whether or not I should visit D. I woke up without ever actually making a decision. (This dream really bothered me because M basically broke my heart, which I say at the risk of sounding way overdramatic, and D is the guy who's here for me now and I thought I was getting over M and falling for D. So this dream is very confusing and though it's just a dream, I can't help but wonder...)

And that's my random post for the day.

2008-06-02T01:42:00.000-07:00

He IM'd me today...

A few days ago, I left him a comment on his facebook to ask about his broken finger...
Well, this morning, he finally commented back telling me about his finger and then asking me how I've been. He said he hadn't seen me online in a while, which was kind of true.

Then tonight, he actually IM'd me. I was surprised but things felt... different. We caught up a bit and then he just kind of disappeared on me. It felt nice and friendly and it wasn't too painful at all.

I hope this is how it feels when one is finally getting over someone and learning to let go. I like this. It feels better this way...

But at the same time, if this is me finally getting over him and letting go... it kind of makes me sad to see it end. I liked the way he made me feel and the way I felt about him. It's kind of sad that it's the end.

Sigh. That's just my rambling thoughts for tonight... I should sleep.

2008-05-31T02:03:00.000-07:00

I thought this deserved its own separate post. This was actually on my mind last night, but I didn't think to post it here then and I had a nice escape in the form of a certain guy. So tonight, I will type this out...

Yesterday, my dad got married to a girl who isn't very much older than I am. It grossed me out a bit, and yeah, I was kind of disturbed. That's how I felt when I found out he was even dating her in the first place. I want my dad to be happy, but seriously? This can't possibly be it. I think he'll regret this one day and by then, what can he do?

And then there's my mother. She's been acting like a teenager since her divorce, not that she'd been completely innocent when she was married still or anything. She's been hanging around this guy who has 4 kids under the age of ten. These kids call her mommy and piled her with gifts on Mother's Day (which she didn't spend with her own children) even though she claims to us that she's just friends with their father. It's all rather warped to me... And to make matters worse, she apparently has a new boyfriend an hour away from here which is why she'd been spending so much time over there, though she claims she's spending time with her sister who also lives there. She also wants to move to that county by the end of summer.

I've never been particularly close to my parents. I love them, yes. They care about me, yes. But they don't know me. They've never truly tried and they never will. This much, I know and accept. But seriously? I'm embarrassed by all the stupid crap they do. It's all getting to be a bit much. I would kind of like to have a normal family.

I just don't know. My life is just ridiculous. I feel like I'm in a bad soap opera that will never end.

But through it all, I'm afraid.

I'm afraid that I'll turn out like my parents, that I am like my parents; at least when it comes to love and relationships. I saw my older sister act like them. I've never been in a real relationship so I'm not sure how I'd act, but what if it's just like them. They're unable to be faithful. They love but they still hurt the ones they love. They string people along, lead them on, then break their hearts. They use people and dispose of them. I understand that they've been hurt and they're still GOOD people who I will always love unconditionally, but even still...

I do not want to be like them and I am terrified that I will be...

2008-05-31T01:43:00.000-07:00

I watched Atonement (starring Kiera Knightly and James McAvoy) tonight. I've never read the book and really didn't know what the movie was going to be about so I just watched it. Don't read any further if you haven't but plan to watch the movie.

My goodness, it's depressing! I didn't cry, but the urge was most definitely there. And hours later, I'm still thinking about it.

The whole story is about loving someone, but due to circumstances out of your control, you cannot be with that someone. All you get is the hope that one day, you'll finally get to be together.

Well, in this movie, there is no ending in which they all live happily ever after. The two main characters live and die (and their deaths are sad and tragic in their own right) with nothing more than that hope.

Imagine finding the one you love but never getting to be with them. What then? Do you just settle? Do you wait and die hoping? Can you live knowing that your true love is there, just barely out of reach? Is it justifiable to forget morality in order to reach it?

I would love to know the answers...

2008-05-27T02:17:00.000-07:00

He's broken his finger.
He got the job.
He's had a terrible weekend.

And I know all this without ever hearing a direct word from him.
It hurts a bit to learn all this via away message...

I reached out to him and I got nothing in return. This is the second time in a row now and while I'm not terribly surprised by it, I'm still so disappointed.

My heart kind of feels broken. It has for so long now, but it's hurting right now. For some reason, I am wondering if you're happier without me. If making your money is more important than I ever was or could be. What was the point in even having me? Do you ever think of me? Do I matter anymore? What happened? Why did I suddenly stop mattering to you?

I'm beginning to accept that I'll never get that sort of closure from you. I understand now that I need to just let you go. You will only ever hurt me. All the good you ever did for me is now outweighed by the bad. I'm terrified now, because of you.

I knew it would end like this eventually. I wish I had had more time to brace myself for it.

And the twisted part of me knows that if you ever tried to get back into my life, I'd give you that second chance in a heartbeat. I don't know why I always do it, but I do.

I just miss you. But I really wish I didn't.
I regret you. It would've been easier to have never met you.

Goodbye, Mike.
And I learn.

2008-05-20T23:52:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I missed you. But he made it better. This is still all so confusing for me but oh well. I don't know how else to do this.

I want and need to get out.

2008-05-17T00:40:00.000-07:00

"i know how much he hurt you"

My best friend, Jessica, wrote that to me earlier. She can't possibly know how much that means to me. It still hurts me so much and it is definitely affecting me still. I should be over it by now, but he just keeps messing with me and allowing me to regain hope. And so, instead, I'm trapped in this ridiculous cycle that I just haven't been able to break out of. I'd like to at least be friends but I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle that.

And now, there's someone else. At first, he was just a friend, a good, caring, flirtatious friend. Then he became my comfort and my distraction. For a while, I regarded him as just my rebound guy. But as we talk more and more, I wonder if I do have genuine feelings for him. I was unable to see us ever developing into anything before, but now, I think I can.

But he comes with so many complications and I'm still so jaded. Then again, this keeps things moving slow and slow is a good thing for me.

I've lost my train of thought so I'm going to stop rambling.

2008-04-16T21:10:00.000-07:00

Sigh. This guy is so sweet. I wish the one I liked was as sweet...

He told me I could find a better, sexier guy and I told him I doubted it.

His reply: I'm sure you would, dear. Being as beautiful and funny as you are, they would come to you.

My response: Who said I even wanted them to?

Him: I'm sure if some sexah guy came up to you with roses and a candle lit dinner, you would be all over it

Me: Well, I don't see that happening so it doesn't matter.

Him: I could see it happening.

It made me smile because it was just simply sweet. :)

Some of his other texts to me:

I told him my eye hurt and he said "I don't know how to fix it... =("

"By the way, you made my night =)"

He called my home state evil and I said it can't be that bad if he wanted to come visit it. Him: "Lol I want to come to see you, the state is still evil..."

I told him I was feeling down and lonely. Him: "I'm here though =)"

2008-04-07T12:41:00.000-07:00

You're kind of back in my life... But not really.

I'm so confused when it comes to you. I can be happy with the way things are, I guess. It's better to kind of have you then to not have you at all. At least now, there's moments of happiness that comes with the confusion and pain.

God, I should not feel this strongly about you... Especially when I no longer know whether or not you care for me the way you once did. Especially when I don't know what happened between us.

This feels like a tease. I don't know what to make of it.
I don't believe that you could be so cruel that you'd intentionally toy with my emotions. I don't want to think that you could just be trying to draw me back because I was finally showing you signs of slipping away. It wouldn't be the first time that thought has crossed my mind, though.

You can't possibly know how I feel because you haven't asked and I can't find the courage to offer you the answer otherwise. But basically, I hurt a lot over all this. More than I should, I'm sure. If I could change this, I think I would. Unless you give me some sign that wanting this is all worth it.

I really don't want to ask you for much... I'm sorry if this seems like it is much. I just wish we could be more open with each other. I think it would make all the difference.

I still adore you so much. I still want you. I still miss you.

2008-04-04T02:36:00.000-07:00

God, I miss you so much right now... More than usual, and it hurts so bad....

I know I'm torturing myself and making it worse by reading your old emails to me and our old conversations, but I just want to remember that you cared about me and wanted me. I don't know what you want anymore... but at least I did once...

I've spilled more tears over you than I have over any other boy... It just doesn't make sense to me and I don't know what to do about it...

I don't want to hurt anymore... but I don't want to give up.

I know I won't ever really give up on you.
I'm not strong enough to do that...

2008-03-18T20:44:00.000-07:00

For my French class, I had to write a poem in the past tense. She gave us two poems as examples that we could use to model our poems after. My poem is modeled after "Pour Toi Mon Amour". Sadly, the first thing I thought of as a subject was him. And how perfect is it that it's supposed to be in the past tense? Haha.

Well, here it is. I guess I will call this "Je Vour Ai Soigne".

J'ai voulu asseoir et parler à vous.
Parce que je vous ai soigné.

J'ai voulu tout savoir de vous.
Parce que je vous ai soigné.

J'ai voulu dépenser mes jours avec vous.
Parce que je vous ai soigné.

J'ai voulu être dans l'amour avec vous.
Parce que je vous ai soigné.

Mais vous êtes parti sans au revoir.
Bien que je vous ai soigné.

2008-03-17T17:09:00.000-07:00

I feel so alone. I'm beginning to feel incredibly unworthy. No one ever wants to stick around... Eventually, everyone leaves me and quite frankly, they're leaving me quicker than they could ever be replaced... Not that I really wanted to replace them in the first place.

It hurts. I don't even want to try anymore, but the loneliness and the pain that comes with it is killing me slowly. It seems as though no matter what I do, I lose. So what is the next step?

My head hurts, I'm exhausted, I feel like a failure, I can't focus on anything, I'm alone...
This is definitely one of my lower points in life.

How do I handle this? How do I make it all better?
I just want to feel ok again...

2008-03-10T18:10:00.000-07:00

So last week, I pretty much spent an entire day crying over him. Because I miss him and I still want him despite everything. I wrote him a letter and I just thought I'd post it here, since I don't think I could ever manage to send it to him.

"March 4, 2008

Dear M***,

God, I always feel like I have so much to say to you but whenever I try to get it out, I have nothing. It's kind of sad really. It's been over two months since things started going downhill and now I think we have reached the bottom with no hope of going back up. It makes me really sad actually, because I really cared about you. you became someone that was so important to me. I wouldn't say that I was in love with you, I don't think that would be possible yet, but I can honestly say that it broke my heart a little when you started drifting away from me and it breaks my heart now when I think about how I don't have you at all and about what could have been. It hurts to wonder whether or not you even think about me anymore, especially since I am constantly finding you on my mind.

You pretty much came into my life from out of no where. I wasn't expecting you in the least bit, and honestly, I hadn't been waiting for someone to come along and sweep me off my feet. But then you came and you definitely left your mark in my life, even if our time was short. I knew that our odds were complete shit, that the odds of me ending up heartbroken were extremely high and the odds of us working were ridiculously slim. But still, I didn't expect this. I didn't expect for it to happen so soon or so quickly. I thought you would try a little more. I thought we would still be able to talk. You were friendlier to me that very first time you contacted me then you are now. I miss that time so much.

I don't want to say that I regret you. I don't hate the moment you first decided to email me. I don't wish that I never gave you my screen name. But I have to say, things were so much easier before you came along. And things are so much harder now that you are out of it.

I miss you so much. I miss your voice. I miss your texts. I miss your emails. I miss emailing you. I miss chatting with you. I miss the silly smile that would appear on my face because of you. You told me that I was constantly on your mind. You used to have dreams of me. You used to want to take care of me. You used to want to make me smile. You used to want me. Where did all that go? Did it even really exist? Do you regret it all? Do you even care anymore?

I wanted to hold on to you with all my might for as long as possible. I hate that I've given up already, or at least, that I'm trying my hardest to.

Just thinking about you now makes my heart heavy and tears come to my eyes. I almost with I could forget about you as easily as you've apparently forgotten about me. Almost.

You once asked me if I loved you. I told you I didn't know what love was, but I believed that maybe one day, I would see that what I felt for you was love.

Now, I really hope that this wasn't love...

And that breaks my heart...

Take care of yourself, M***. Please. I really hope you achieve all your goals in life. Maybe one day, we'll come across each other again."

It hurt me pretty bad that I didn't know how to sign it. I ended up just putting my name, but it just didn't feel right. *sigh* C'est le vie. Right?

2008-02-24T02:42:00.000-08:00

I was suddenly inspired... a new creative project I would like to try and I'm hoping that writing it out here will remind me and encourage me to follow through with it...

writing a story for these images that I have... post secret and pictures of walls...
beautiful images with stories of their own, but capable of being left to create a whole slew of new stories... It has been done before, but not by me... I hope this gets me out of my block...

2008-02-01T23:59:00.000-08:00

Yeah... that's pretty much how I feel at the moment. It's not a good feeling.
Why did things have to get so bad? Everything's a mess and I'm just so freakin vulnerable... I don't like it. I was content before all this... Then I got a taste of what could've been and it's messed me up for good. :(

I don't know anything anymore...

2007-11-29T16:57:00.000-08:00

Ok, I absolutely adore Pushing Daisies. I think it's the most bizarre, random, adorably sweet show ever. Simply put, it's amazing. HE's my NED!!! and that makes me really happy. Haha. So, here are my favorite quotes -

Olive: Can I ask you a question? If you loved me....
Alfredo: Yes?
Olive: And we could never, ever, ever touch. Wouldn't you eventually get over it and move on letting someone else have the slightest hope that you might move on to them?
Alfredo: If I loved you?
Olive: Yeah.
Alfredo: Then I would love you in any way I could. And if we could not touch, then I would draw strength from your beauty. And if I went blind, then I would fill my soul with the sound of your voice and the contents of your thoughts until the last spark of my love for you lit the shabby darkness of my dying mind.
Olive: Eh, forget it.

Ned: You're the only one for me.
Chuck: I know you feel that now, but there are things you want, there's things we both want.
Ned: So? Everyone wants stuff. We wake up everyday with a list of wishes a mile long and maybe we spend our lives trying to make those wishes come true, but just because we want them doesn't mean we need them to be happy.
Chuck: What do you need to be happy?
Ned: You.

Chuck: Where've you been?
Ned: Not important.
Chuck: It's important to me. I missed you.

Ned: I just thought my world would be a better place if you were in it.

Narrator: As he stared at her, he reached around his back and held his own hand, pretending he was holding hers. And at that very moment, she was pretending to be holding his

2007-11-26T22:21:00.000-08:00

I want him. I don't care what my rational mind says. I don't care what HE says. He IS good enough for me. Granted, our situation is absurdly complicated and all this is ridiculously difficult, but I can't help but feel that he's worth it.

I'm setting myself up for heartbreak, I know. Because if he decides that I'm not quite worth all this trouble... or if he keeps insisting that he's not worth all this trouble, then it's going to really hurt. I don't know what I'll do if that happens. My happiness now depends so much on him. It's dangerous, but I can't help it. He makes me so happy during this time when things are just such complete shit.

I just don't know what to do. He's amazing. And I just want to be in his arms. It's not fair. Why can't things just be a little bit easier?

God, I can't wait for January... I just hope we can hold out until then...

2007-11-20T21:36:00.000-08:00

Goodness, I hope he really is coming... The thought is both terrifying and exciting all at once.

He's exactly what I need right now. He'd make me happy, and it would be a great way to spend Thanksgiving, considering all the family drama in my life these days.

Damnit... Him being so sweet and adorable makes things so difficult for me. It's so frustrating...

I could go into my family drama, but I'd rather not. Let me just say that my mom has got some serious issues and my little sister is the most selfish brat I've ever known.

Whatever. At least he makes me happy...

2007-11-12T16:05:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I've done it again...

So I've got adorable and handsome Scottish guy (let's call him K) and then I've got adorable and sweet mountain biker guy (let's call him M).

I've been talking to them both for about the same amount of time. M a little bit longer than K, but not much longer. With K it was like BAM, I like this guy, but things with him slowly cooled off and just keeps fluctuating. With M, it was very subtle but keeps on getting stronger.

M is hardworking and stable. He's also incredibly sweet. He can cook. He has his own place. He's got really nice blue eyes. We have tons in common. He isn't perfect, but I really adore him anyway. As far as I know, he's been completely honest with me. He basically wants to shower me with affection. And he is a serious mountain bike racer.

K is attractive and fun. He's got an accent that makes me want to melt. He's adorably sweet when he wants to be. He doesn't have a job, but he wants big things out of life. He's pretty upfront with me and has got that romantic side that you'd never be able to guess about.

They are both really sweet and charming and weird and crazy. Both have much more experience than me. Both live too far away. Both say that they would be willing to come to me or want me to come to them. Both can lift my spirits and so easily make me smile. Both have got me acting like a schoolgirl with a crush.

M is my perfect guy and K is my dream guy.

It's silly, but it doesn't make it untrue. So what now? I can't keep on liking two different guys... it'll drive me crazy. Then again, I can't possibly give up either one. M seems more possible right now, but K is still a possibility in the future. Damn it, why can't M and K be the same person and right here with me now?

This is complete craziness...

2007-10-23T20:27:00.001-07:00

It's been ages since I've put up a picture, but I found a new website, picturesofwalls.com, and it fascinated me. I really loved this picture. I think it's pretty self-explanitory.

Anyways, my birthday just passed and it was actually pretty nice, but my first week of being 19 was absolutely awful, complete with a car accident and no car. Right now, I'm super stressed about school and I really can't focus for some reason. Go figure, right? It's twisted, but I can't get myself to work. It's so hard to actually care anymore.

There's a lot of family drama going on, and I hate it. I really don't want to dwell on it when I can avoid it.

In happier news, I've kind of met a guy. He's great. 22, very nice, very cute, adorable accent, entertaining personality, very sweet, and I love talking to him. Seriously, he's adorable in all aspects of the word.

The problem? He's not even on the same continent as me, I've never actually met him, he likes to drink (I think it just comes with the fact that he's scottish) and he's a lot more experienced than me.

Ugh, why does he have to be so sweet? and so adorable? We've only been talking for a little over a week, and already, I feel hooked. I haven't been quite like this over a guy in a long time. A couple of times, he'd tell me how he wanted a hug and I just wish I could give it to him...

Then again, I don't know him! And he's so far away! Damnit, what is it with me? I always find the least attainable guys to fall for, and I only come out of it bummed out and stuff.

2007-10-07T02:59:00.000-07:00

Geez, my last post was in April. Where has the time gone? I can't believe it's already october. And in exactly one week, I will turn 19. It's not a significant age, but it's still older, and it's kinda weird.

I'm in a strange mood right now, as usual when I put up a new post. It may have to do with the fact that my birthday is coming up, or maybe it's just that pumpkin spice latte that I had earlier with my friends mixed with the lack of sleep I'm getting as a result. Either way, I feel so lost.

I've been reflecting on a few things lately, and here's the first of them:

These days, I feel like such a different person than I used to be. I think reality is catching up to all the things I've ever dreamed of and is telling me that's it's just not going to happen. I don't know what I want anymore. I used to want to leave, to get away from it all and lead an exciting life that I wouldn't regret. Now, I've suddenly formed all these bonds here. There's my nephew who is growing up so nicely right in front of my eyes and I wouldn't want to miss it for the world. I've built a strong relationship with my sister. My dad has come home and I can actually say that I love him and want to spend time with him. And then there's my best friend who I'd hate to leave behind. Sometimes I wonder if it was easier when I had no ties here; at least, not ones so strong. Then I would've been able to leave with nothing more than a quick glance back. So now, I wonder, how do these bonds fit in with the life I had always envisioned for myself?

Also, I've been reevaluating some of my friendships. Don't get me wrong, they're most definitely good people and I love them dearly. My friends are precious to me and they always will be. Yet, sometimes, I'm in such awe at how different I am from my friends. It seems to always be that way. I always feel like the odd one out. And it's really hard because I can't ever seem to find worthwhile friends that share my interests. I'd like to think that I'm a cultured person; I adore museums, and music, and beautiful architecture, and classical music. I also love exploring and checking out local bands. I like doing things and living life. That doesn't seem to be what they want. If I had to describe them as anything, I would call them very small town, which is ironic because we live in one of the most populated cities in the country. I don't know, I can't understand how they don't get bored of their small time activities in a place that explodes with culture and such things. We have a lot in common, of course, and our many differences make for entertaining gatherings nad fun times, but I just don't understand how our interests can be so vastly different.

I don't know. I think the coffee's beginning to wear off, or else my mind is just too exhausted to continue. On a lighter, ending note, I will say that my dear friend from the opposite end of the country has returned home for the weekend. I had forgotten how good it could feel to just be with him. I'd forgotten just how much I adore him. But I do know how much I'm going to miss him when he's gone again. It makes me so happy just to know how close he is. How devastating it'll be when he's gone...

So maybe that wasn't exactly ending on a lighter note, but regardless, adieu.

2007-04-05T07:54:00.000-07:00

yesterday was the worst day ever.

anyways, this quote was in my textbook and I find it very interesting:

"This world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those who feel."

Hm, I don't know...

2007-02-14T19:57:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day!

You know, I think this particular holiday is a pretty crappy day.

Sure, it may be fun if you're happily in love, but honestly, if you're really in love and all that, why do you need a commercialized day to declare it? Isn't that the point of an anniversary? Isn't it more romantic when all that sweet, romantic stuff is done on a random day, just because?

People go and spend tons of money on presents for their sweetheart because they have to or it is what is expected. People are expected to do romantic things though they may also have to deal with work or school or whatever.

I don't know. Maybe it allows the guys who aren't normally very romantic or sweet the chance to show that side of themselves. Maybe it allows people to decorate everything with pink and red hearts. Maybe it's an excuse to get flowers and chocolate. Maybe it's an excuse to show off. Maybe people enjoy dishing out three or four bucks for a glittery, sometimes clever, card.

And then there are all the single people. For those who care, it's a sad day. For those who don't care, it's an annoying day. Hell, for those in a relationship it can be a sad and annoying day.

So that is my valentine's day rant.
No disrespect to anyone who lives for or loves this day.
Maybe my opinion will change one day. Who knows?

2007-01-30T19:46:00.000-08:00

Life seems to be flying by...
I've been a bit anti-social these days, the only company I really want is my nephew's. I'm not sure why...
I think I really need to get out there again and do stuff.
I'm back in school though, so maybe that will help.
Who knows?
Let's see what happens next...

2006-12-31T00:23:00.000-08:00

oh my god, the year is pretty much over...
it's been a good year despite its very bad events...
high school graduation, the birth of my beautiful nephew, a fabulous week in tahoe with my friends... probably the top 3 highlights of my year...
2006 is now in my past. hopefully 2007 will be a better year...
wow, I can't believe how quickly it all went by...
just a year ago, I was in Phoenix, Arizona with the band, having a good time, and now, here I am... wow...
here's to hoping for the best...
HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2006-11-28T23:42:00.000-08:00

I'm grateful that this semester is nearly over and that I've finally got a job.

I'm in this weird place and I don't know what is really going on anymore. I'm just keeping myself busy, I guess.

All I know for sure is that my nephew is the most important thing in my life. I love him so much and I can hardly stand being apart from him. I'm going to make sure that that kid has a wonderful life.

2006-11-17T22:48:00.000-08:00

I am so on edge. everything just makes me bawl like a baby. I used to be stronger. I used to be able to keep a strong face. There is just so much going on in my mind, and I don't have anyone to share it with, nor do I even know how to begin to voice it all. I'm overwhelmed and emotional, a horrible mix.

There are just a million things in my life that are changing, nothing has been stable for me. graduating high school, moving to my aunt's, starting college, my dad coming back, my stepdad leaving, the divorce, my grandfather's illness, my friends, even the freaking locks on the front door and gates of the house... nothing is the same anymore, and that makes it that much more difficult to survive.

I don't know what to do anymore...
but I know I can't keep having these stupid breakdowns...
I need to be strong for my mom and my sister...
I can do this. the last 18 years of my life must have made me strong enough to survive this period of my life, right?

2006-11-13T23:41:00.000-08:00

I'm currently pissed off at the world. I'm angry with too many people, so much so, that I feel like my blog is the only place where I can rant and get out all of my "inner turmoil".
First off, I'm pissed at my best friend because there have only been two times when I have called him, nearly in tears, to have him not answer his phone. however, that's not what I'm angry about, I understand that some people don't have their phones on them or are in the middle of something and so on. I'm angry because I left a message that I believed sounded urgent and rather desperate, and he didn't call me until the next night, almost 24 hours later. Actually, the first time, he didn't call me back for several days and I was sobbing pretty hard when I left that one. he didn't give me a reason or even mention my message at all. this time, he called me back the night after, which I guess is an improvement, but I was too angry to speak to him. my message informed him that I desperately needed a favor from him and I told him to please please please call me back. he had an entire day to call me back and ask if I was ok. what if it had been something more serious? I don't even know if I can count on him if I were ever in need of assistance, and after 5 years of friendship, I think that really sucks. I'll probably get over it soon enough and act like it never happened, but still, I'm pissed.
And then, there are my two closest girlfriends. I feel like they are constantly blowing me off. They haven't even given me the opportunity to open up to them, and there's just so much shit I have talk about. it's like we're all on different continents now. I don't think they know anything about me these days because they haven't even asked. it hurts like hell to know that they find everything to be more important than our friendship.
History is repeating itself. I'm always the one that always there for my friends when they need me. I always come running to help them, but when the situation is reversed, it's like they don't know what to do to help me so they go running. It's just so incredibly hard for me to open up, for me to share my most intimate details, feelings, and emotions, I need people to help drag it out of me. I need them to care enough to ask, and I'll probably break down the walls I put up. I need them to see.

My stepfather has been served with the divorce papers. for over 10 years, he's been the only true father figure I've ever had. I feel sorry for him, despite what he did to my mom, because he's done so much for me. this divorce is killing me. i love him. it hurts me to know that he's probably in pain, just like my mother. he'll probably be the only father figure i'll ever know. My dad is only half the father my stepdad was. and now, I don't know what's going to happen between my stepdad and I. He and I don't share a blood bond, so now that he and my mother are getting divorced, what does it mean for me? I don't know if I mean anything to him anymore. I don't know if I'll be seeing him again. I don't know how he'll treat me or how I should treat him. I hope he's doing ok. I hope he doesn't hate my mother and us. and I hope he doesn't do anything more that makes me regret caring about him. I may not be able to understand her or know who she has become these days, but I love her all the same, and I don't want any more misery for her.

I think I would've given up on life by now, if it weren't for my older sister and my beautiful nephew. The kid's only 6 months old, but he's saving my life. He's all that I've got going for me in the world, the only thing keeping me from running away from it all.

Why is everything so incredibly complicated?

2006-10-25T22:21:00.000-07:00

I feel so... unnecessary...
I don't really know how else to describe it.
My life definitely isn't going the way I want it too. Everything seems to be going so utterly wrong. Nothing feels right anymore.
When the good moments happen, I throw myself so completely into it...
and when it's over, I'm left with nothing but the memory of a good moment, which makes me feel so much more empty.
I don't know how to change it all. I feel like I've lost all control.
I feel like I'm floating on a cloud a million miles away while a shell of me is going through the motions of my life...
I can't help but feeling that my life is a mistake... that every action I've ever taken has led me further and further astray...

Isn't this the point where things can only get better? Or do I still have yet to hit rock bottom?
I shudder at the thought.
I want to cry a lot of the time...
but I'm up on my cloud and my shell is unable to shed a tear...

I don't know anything anymore...
my life is just useless rambling...

2006-10-17T16:49:00.000-07:00

More and more, I think I made a mistake when I chose to leave home for college...
I'm only an hour away, and yet, I might as well be so much further...

I feel alone here, though I'm not necessarily unhappy.
And then, back at home, I feel so incredibly needed.
My mom is going through a divorce...
My sister is stuck at home, usually alone....
My best friend is dealing with a psychotic father and a whole slew of issues...
My other best friend is dealing with many family issues...
My nephew is still just a little baby...

I want to be there for them all...
But how can I, when 5 days our of the week, I have school, an hour away...

so what do I do?

2006-10-14T23:32:00.000-07:00

I'm 18 years old today...
it's a crazy thought. so many things have changed over the years, I'm a completely different person...

I don't think I've ever felt so lost...
I don't think I've ever felt less like myself...
I don't think I've got a clue about what to do about it...

Happy birthday to me...

2006-10-03T11:28:00.000-07:00

I am so incredibly off. I can hardly believe that I'm about to turn 18.

I have no job, but i really want one. I think I will celebrate my 18th birthday by getting a job. it will be my gift to myself.

I haven't got a clue as to what I want to do for the big day. My best friend is busy, my other best friend is going to another country. I guess it's good that I have THREE best friends then.
I guess I'll have dinner with the family and be spontaneous for the rest of the day.

Finally 18...

2006-09-21T19:06:00.000-07:00

Divorce is ugly. A second one is even worse.

My poor mother, that's twice that she's had to go through such a sad, heartbreaking process. She's only been serious about 2 men in her life, she married them both, and they broke her heart. There really is no easy and clean way to end things, but my mother has probably gone through the worst way to end things. She's sad, but she's strong enough not to show it to us kids.

And me? It hurts a lot. This is the second father figure that has betrayed me and I still haven't been able to forgive the first one, who by the way, just recently appeared back in my life. My stepfather has done so much for me. Without him, I wouldn't have had the high school experience that I had or met the friends I've met or even discovered Tahoe. He's actually been there for me, more so than more father ever has or probably ever will. I used to think that he loved me and cared about me as his own, but things quickly changed as his relationship with my mother changed. I thought that I meant enough to him that he'd be there for me, even if he and my mother split up, but I guess that was a naive notion. I loved him enough to call him dad.

Twice scorned... I don't know if I'll ever be able to accept another father figure into my life. Maybe I'm old enough that I won't need one. Can anyone ever be too old for a father? I don't actually know, but I guess it really doesn't matter. I have my mother, my sisters, my nephew, my friends, who needs a father? I have all I could want, and I guess there's always my dad if I'm awfully desperate. As long as they are all alive and well, I will be too.

The only other man that I've ever looked up to is my only surviving grandfather. I love him so much. He's such a strong and respectable man, but even he won't be around much longer. At least I've had him for as long as I have, and when I inevitably lose him, I will have many memories of him. Cancer, death, and old age is a lot worse than divorce.

Everything is so overwhelming. All it gives me is a headache.

I'm tired of crying.

2006-09-11T19:50:00.000-07:00

today is the fifth anniversary of 9/11.

I wasn't even 13 yet, that day, but it's a day I'll never forget.

I remember sitting in the car half-listening to the radio talking about a plane crashing into a tower in new york. I didn't really give it much thought, but I remember thinking, they must be joking, as I got out of the car and walked onto my school's campus. As I was walking, my friend approached me, talking a mile a minute about the attack, expressing his fear about an attack in L.A. and informing me that Disneyland had shut itself down. All I remember thinking was, "Oh my God, are you serious?"

It was pretty grim during my first period P.E. class, but when it came time to say the pledge of allegience, I'm pretty sure we spoke loud and clear.

I remember that my principal made an announcement that day, reassuring us that we were safe at our school. I remember walking in to my history class and the entire class wanted to watch the news. My teacher told us that the principal had told all teachers not to allow the students to watch the news, but he turned it on anyways, claiming that we had a right to watch our history in the making. During lunch, few of us wanted to leave the classroom and we stared at the image of the burning towers, watching the footage of the planes crashing into the building, hearing about Flight 93 and about the firemen and policemen who were rushing into the building trying to save lives, all while risking their own.

I remember going home that day. My stepbrother, who is in the military, had been working at the pentagon for the past few months. We were all worried for him, and relieved when we received a call from him informing us that he was safe.

That day, I shed tears for the thousands of people I did not know.
Today, I shed tears for the thousands of people I will never know.

All the people who died that day, all the people who risked their lives, all the people who suffer still as a result of that day, whether it be emotionally or physically, I cry for them.

All that I will ever need to know about them in order to love them is that they were someone's son, daughter, mother, father, friend, spouse, sister, or brother, and that they were Americans.

I was young then, and five years later, I still am young, but I'll never be too young to understand that I love them all.

2006-09-01T00:15:00.000-07:00

my dad is coming back soon.... very soon... I'm not sure how I feel about that.

on a much lighter note:

college has begun. I can't believe it's already here, yet graduation seemed like so very long ago. it's strange.
I can't say I've actually made any friends in school, even though it's been 2 weeks.
I get to school to late to socialize, and by the time my last class is over, I just want to get off campus. and of course, during class, I'm busy trying to listen to what's going on in class. I'm not dedicated or brave enough to join a club or organization without someone I know by my side.
it's not that I really care for now. I never really cared about being alone, simply because I know that people somewhere care.

Anyhow, I told him I'd do this for him a long time ago, and since his 18th birthday just recently passed and he's been so sweet to me, I've decided to finally do this. (though I can't say I'll ever actually let him read this, that much ego in one boy is unbearable):
He is my absolute best friend ever. I mean, he isn't my closest friend, that spot is reserved for my girls, but he is the one that has just stuck. despite time, distance, his jealous girlfriends, psychotic girls, and a lot of trouble and anger, we only grow stronger and become closer. I don't know what it is about this guy. we met in 8th grade, purely by chance and I don't know how we evolved into what we are now. He makes me feel loved and secure. I know he'll have my back and that I can trust him with anything. I know he cares for me and gives me whatever support I need. He always makes me laugh and feel good, and though he loves to insult me, he never ceases to be so incredibly sweet. I know that he's human and is incredibly prone to mistakes and despite all of the disappointments, my faith in him never falters. I'm so incredibly proud of him, his will, his strength, who he is in general.
He's my best friend, and I'd always be ready to drop everything to come to his aid, or even to drive all the way to his work shop to keep him company until 4 in the morning. what else can I say? I love the guy. He's the best.

2006-06-23T22:44:00.000-07:00

my trip to tahoe was absolutely marvelous...
everything I needed and more...
the worst part was leaving...

the weather was perfect...
the boys (sigh... CJ) were attractive...
the lake was gorgeous (but freezing)...
the stars were bright and plentiful...
the people were nice...
the music (which I compiled) was perfect...

it was relaxing and refreshing and beautiful, as usual...
and the it being with just my 2 awesome friends made it so much better...
I couldn't possibly ask for more...
(except maybe for more time up there and a quick return)
kayaking, biking, the arcade, house of the dead 4, cj and daniel, josh's, the lake house, air hockey, my puzzle, swimming, junk food, hiking, it was all just awesome...

I hope I can make it until the next time I see that beautiful lake...

2006-06-16T09:03:00.000-07:00

we leave tomorrow morning!!!
I can't wait!
I'm still in the process of packing though...

the moment I see that lake from the road, I will feel ok again...
everything will be alright...

2006-06-11T22:29:00.000-07:00

we leave for tahoe in six days...
I'm awfully excited...
I need tahoe... it's my escape, my comfort, my favorite place to be...
I can't wait..
I refuse to let anything spoil my trip...

just 6 more days...

2006-06-07T23:11:00.000-07:00

my goals for this summer as of this moment:
-learn to sew and make myself some clothes
-have a enjoyable and relazing trip to tahoe
-clean out the mess that is my room
-start baking again
-learn how to cook
-see some awesome shows
-make some money
-buy myself a new ipod
-throw a party
-take lots of pictures
-write more
-read more
-road trip!!!
ok, that's all for now...

2006-06-04T00:17:00.000-07:00

graduation has come and passed...
I feel... it's indescribable...

to say good bye to so many people...
and yet, I hardly shed a tear...
yes, I will miss them all a lot...
yes, I plan to come back and visit those who will still be there...
yes, saying good bye is always hard...

but it's really not the end just yet...
not for me...

great things will happen...

I will miss the class of '06.
thank you for a great run...
I'll be seeing you...

2006-06-02T22:47:00.000-07:00

holy shit... I graduate in the morning...

it started to hit me when I said good bye to people that I wouldn't see anymore... and they've been small blows ever since...

but the whole of it has yet to reach me...

it will hit big time tomorrow...
when it's finally time to say good bye to the community I've grown so comfortable in...

I can't believe it's really over...
Grad night was only fun because it was our last night all together...

tomorrow will be an intense day...
I hope it doesn't go by too fast...

2006-05-31T17:17:00.000-07:00

today was our last day of normal school. tomorrow, we have 2 finals and then grad practice.

yearbooks have been flying around like crazy...
it's all over...
I had to say goodbye to the underclassmen that would not be attending graduation.

it's funny, right when I start getting to know people I never thought I'd get to know... making new friends... renewing old friendships... noticing that guy in class with the beautiful blue eyes and adorable smile... it's all over...

we could all possibly cross paths again one day, right?
if not in life, than possibly at some alumni event...

I never realized how short 4 years could actually be...

2006-05-24T22:31:00.000-07:00

I'm tripping out because it's really ending.
Tomorrow is our last day of actual school...
then we go into "finals"...

I really got through it all...
It's really almost over...
it's a weird feeling...

I'm kinda sad that it's all over...

I hated it and I wouldn't do it all over again, but I'm really going to miss it...

2006-05-22T22:42:00.000-07:00

I love my nephew Anthony so incredibly much.

I was the first person, other than the parents and doctors, to hold baby anthony.
he's beautiful, absolutely perfect. he's quiet, healthy, and has chubby cheeks, dimples and big eyes.

I loved him instantly.
it was a trancendent experience...

I wish I could hold him forever...
Shelter him from any pain he may one day experience...
Teach him to appreciate every moment...

I hope he has a life that he fully deserves...

2006-05-21T22:54:00.000-07:00

it's raining...
it's beautiful and it feels wonderful...
I love it...
if I could, I'd stand in it until it stopped...
its here to wash away the bad...
to soothe my mind...
to refresh me...
to remind me of more beautiful things...
to drown out any sorrows...

such a simple thing to bring me so much joy...

I really love it...
maybe I do, only because it's so rare...
a shower like this, after such warm weather, in Southern California in the month of May...

oh, if only I didn't have school tomorrow morning...

nature is marvelous...
I'm now off to enjoy it...
just for a little bit more...

now I'm just afraid of when it stops...

2006-05-19T09:10:00.000-07:00

two weeks tomorrow, and it's all over. 90% of these people will never see me again.
I'm ready to go... I think... I hope...
There is a long list of things that I will miss most...
Sitting at the lunch table with my friends...
the band room as my second home...
Mr. Falls and his hearing problems...
Mr. Beckman and his wisdom...
Mr. Combes and all the time we've spent with him...
Mr. P and his strangeness...
the darkroom that I've recently learned to use...
the early mornings with jess and josie...
band practices every wednesday...
football season...
basketall season...
playing my bari sax...
weird bando moments...
Jessica and her extreme strangeness...
Josephine and her everything...
Jason and his strange, adorable dorkiness and farting...
Curtis sitting there driving me crazy but making me laugh...
Kevin helping curtis drive me crazy and making me laugh...
the twin thing I have with Nicole...
4th periods in the band library...
concert season...
surprise visits or even planned visits by alumni...
the crazy underclassmen...
my favorite underclassmen...
especially kentin and timothy...
band music...
band in general, really...
and most of all,
the people I've met and connected with on some level...

it's almost sad to see it all slowly become my past...
two weeks tomorrow...

2006-05-14T10:26:00.000-07:00

I have come to the realization that I sacrifice a lot for my friends...
so much so, that I sacrifice my own happiness in the process...
I love doing it for the ones I love, it makes me happy...
but giving them their happiness is sometimes suppressing my own self.

It's like this, I try so hard to make my friends feel safe and secure with me so that they feel comfortable if they choose to confide in me, and they do...
yet, when it comes to confiding in them, I can't.
I don't want them to worry about me, I don't them to feel my burdens, I don't them to pity me, I don't want them to feel my deepest sorrows...

My world is still in its just shattered stage...
I can't find the strength to piece it back together...
and I don't know if I can do it alone...
but I don't want to force someone to help me...

I'm beginning to feel like an incoherent mess...

Maybe it's just another step towards my insanity...

On a different note:
Last night marked an end.
the evening as a whole was beautiful, wonderful, fun...
and yet, terribly sad and disappointing...
I wish it weren't over...

My head wants desperately to let go
But my heart won't let me...

2006-05-11T22:50:00.000-07:00

I don't have the strength to do this anymore. I'm shaking and crying as I write this. it's just too hard. I just can't do it, I really can't. I just can't feel this much pain anymore, and it really does just hurt so incredibly bad. my world keeps shattering, and everytime I find some hope to putting it all back together, it continues to shatter. everytime I think that things can only go up from this point, someone or something proves me wrong. I wish things were easier. I wish my problems were stupid and silly, like getting grounded or something. I can't deal with lies and tales and hopelessness and betrayal. for all these years, I've been "strong". I think I've lost that strength. it's dried up. I can't be strong... not for myself... not for other people...

the amount of pain is so intense...
dying couldn't possibly hurt me more...
what can I do now?
who could possibly save me now?

if the point of life is to suffer, why live?
I value my life, and I want to live to find out why we live...
I just hope I find the strength to do so...

2006-05-01T20:47:00.000-07:00

I feel so alone today...
I don't know why. I can't explain the loneliness.
maybe I actually can, but I don't want to know.

21 days left...
what am I going to do?

2006-04-18T00:23:00.000-07:00

I wish that you could see me,
What I am inside and out.
I can't chase away my shadows;
What I am is not what you know.

The blackness overwhelms me:
The wet, the cold, the dark;
But there I find your black hand
To take me where I'll see you.

-Me

that's all I really want, I think... to be understood and to understand...
I think I am too often classified, but no one truly knows me...
I'm afraid to let people in... afraid to let people know me... afraid to talk to people about myself...
I don't know who I am... I don't know what I want... I don't even know what I mean with this poem...
I do know that I am incredibly terrified... that I can confess to the world wide web where all can see, but not to those closest to me... that I am incredibly confused... that the inspiration and the words of this poem came from a previously untapped part of me and that it means more to me than anyone can understand... and that I don't know anything.

It's a scary world out there and I'm stuck living in it.
I can't be weak... I can't survive if I'm weak... That's why I appear to be so strong... but I guess appearances can be deceiving...

Like I said, I just want to be understood and to understand...

2006-04-09T00:53:00.000-07:00

tonight was simply wonderful.
he made it wonderful.
the evening exceeded all my expectations.
I still can't stop smiling.
I think my cheeks are even a little sore.
I won't be forgetting tonight any time soon.

2006-04-05T09:06:00.000-07:00

There are 2 more months of school...
23 days of classes...

It's a weird feeling.
I'm surprised at how fast it all went.
I'm scared for what is going to come.
But I'm happy right now, with everything and everyone aroud me. The way things are, I'm appreciating it all.
I don't know what will happen to me in 2 months, but for now, I'm going to just live.

2006-03-29T09:03:00.000-08:00

I am done with my research paper.

"Humans as the Instigators of Fate"

All I need is to print and turn it in.

It wasn't as excruciating as it could have been.

The worst part of senior year is over.

I thought the completion of the research paper deserved a post of its own.

2006-03-25T23:20:00.000-08:00

I'm stressed.
Stupid research paper.
I'm just stuck. I know what I'm writing about, but I'm just not sure how to write it.
My mind is so preoccupied with a massive mess of things... how can I focus?
I have 3 days. I can do this.

There's 2 and a 1/2 weeks til spring break...
7 weeks until my Josie's debut...
9 weeks until prom...
and 10 weeks til graduation...

can I do this?

2006-03-15T19:07:00.000-08:00

so it's been a while. I don't know what to say. I have so many things running through my mind lately. I'm seriously done, but I don't want it to be over just yet. I'm not ready for it to be over. can I be an adult? can I grow up? do I want to grow up? sometimes, I wonder. I would say that I'm a pretty mature teenager. but what if that's all? what if I'm just a mature teenager but not yet a mature adult? I don't know where I'm going in life. I'm stuck on so many things. I just want to break free of it all, but I can't. I want to start all over. some place new, with people who don't know me. I want paradise. it's funny because I know why I'm suffering right now. well, at least, one of the reasons why I'm suffering right now. but I can't seem to do anything about it. it's a vicious cycle. it's karma, and I know it. but I refuse to change my ways. I'm causing my own suffering, I know it. I just realized that that is exactly what I'm discussing in my research paper, which is due in TWO WEEKS! how fitting. it didn't click before.

and suddenly, I'm inspired...

2006-03-03T23:11:00.000-08:00

wow... so one day, I was looking through scholarship offers and possibilities, and I saw one that seemed to suit me. it was a poetry contest for poetry dot com. so I sat there, staring at my computer screen for a moment. I thought about my life, searching for inspiration, and inspiration hit me. I wrote an 8-line poem and went to bed. I didn't think anything more of it, because I didn't think there was anything more to think about.

well, today, I got home at about 10:45 ish, and my mother knocks on my door.
"you got a bad letter in the mail today," she said.
I gave her a strange look, trying to figure out whether or not she was telling me the truth, then I asked, "what do you mean? bad letter for what? from who?"
"follow me," she replied, making her way downstairs and then towards the kitchen.
"what letter?" I kept repeating.
"this," she replied pulling out an envelope.
'poetry.com?' I thought.
I looked a little closer and noticed my poem in small print. I was baffled and wondering, 'what does this mean?'
then I read the note that came with it:
'dear sylvia,
after carefully reading and discussing your poem, our Selection Committee has certified your poem as a semi-finalist in our International Open Poetry Contest.... In celebration of the unique talent that you have displayed, we also wish to publish your poem on its own page in what promises to be one of the most highly regarded collections of poetry we have ever published...'

I'm so thrilled... I don't really care about some of the stuff, but it feels good to have someone look at my poem and tell me it's worth something, that it shows talent. and right on a day when I feel like I lack any special talent. It's good to know I can express myself poetically.
I feel like I'm finally going somewhere and doing something.

I'll post my poem in a later post... maybe the next one... and maybe I'll explain it...

2006-02-26T00:21:00.000-08:00

yes, I am still in this pleasant mood. unfortunately, I think the only reason why I am in a more pleasant mood is because I have stressed myself out to my max. there is no way that I can be more stressed out, so now the only way left to go is up. maybe hitting rock bottom isn't too bad afterall.

so today was the last parade I will ever compete in with my school marching band. 5 trophies, first place is everything. that's really good. we definitely went out with a bang. the more I thought about it, the more I realized just how much I'm going to miss it. I bitch a lot about it when I'm going through it, but it still holds a lot of meaning to me. it's like a family, sometimes you absolutely despise your family, but there will always be that bond. it's kind of sad to see it all end. no more halftime shows, basketball games, and now, no more parades. after 4 years, I'll admit that it's slightly disappointing to see it end. not that I want to go out and do more, there's no way in hell. but it's kind of like mr. beckman said, high school is some of the greatest years of your life, but he would never do it all over again.

which leads me to this, as graduation slowly approaches, I feel extreme joy and yet, I don't want to let go of high school. it's not that I love high school and I don't want it to end, but rather, I'm terrified of what'll happen afterwards. it's so unknown. what if everything I've ever wanted will never be what I have? what if I finally get what I wanted and I realize that I wanted something else? I'm so afraid that I'm going to make a decision now that I'll regret in 5 years. I don't want to look back on my life with regrets. I'm ready to leave, but I'm not ready for anything after that. I wonder if I've suffered enough yet. I wonder if I can finally achieve my real happiness.

I think, right now, I'm afraid that I'll be everything I don't want because I couldn't achieve what I wanted.

13 more weeks....

2006-02-20T21:39:00.000-08:00

yesterday I was actually happy because of such simple things. firework shows are so incredibly beautiful. the bright lights in the night sky are gorgeous. I loved it. last night was truly great. i was tired, exhausted, but happy. yes, its definitely the simple things that make me happy: rain, nighttime, stars in the sky, the sky after it rains, music, sitting on benches in the middle of disneyland, simple gestures, a smile, eye contact, a phone call, hugs, kisses, laughter, speed, cold air, the dark, beautiful scenary, waterfalls, lakes, the ocean, tulips, random things. I wish I could explain it more than that.

my mood has been very good lately. I've had my melancholy moments, but generally, these past few days, I've been in a good mood.

so a strange thing that I do is write a few sentences to those people who have been significant to me. I will never be the ones to read or give those people these words, but in the case of my death, they are basically my last words to them. it's something I need to do again. it's been almost 2 years since I've really done it but I try to do it every year since things can change so quickly. it's funny to see how it changes everytime I do it. it's morbid, I know, but one of my greatest fears is that I could die and the people I care about will never know or realize what I think about them, how much I appreciate them, what they mean to me, or how much I love them.
yes, it's definitely time to do it again...

2006-02-14T20:15:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day!

you know, I never understood the purpose of valentine's day; the pink and red and hearts and candy and cheesiness. it's kind of sad that we have to set aside one day a year to remember love. I don't know. to me, it's just another excuse to get gifts.

but coincidently, I did reflect on love today. it kind of hurts. it's confusing and twisted. it just seems like such a trap. maybe I'm just terribly bitter, but who knows for sure. I really don't want it in my life, but I have to accept that it is there, and it always will be.

I want to spend tonight on a beach, gazing at the moon and stars.
and yes, I want to spend it with you.

not because it's valentine's day, but just because I can't stop thinking about you.

2006-02-13T19:21:00.000-08:00

I don't think this post needs too much said, but I do have a few things to say.

I feel so stressed out. I don't even know why. it's exhausting. I still just want to be free. I don't know what I want out of life, but I can't wait until I get it.

This is one of my favorite random pictures. Early hours of the morning, high off the rush of a great show, carefree, empty street, my cousins ran under the street light and I took their photo. I love it.

2006-02-11T10:33:00.000-08:00

I hate being lied to. I hate being decieved by the ones I love. my family, my friends, I'm not sure who I can truly trust. apparently, I trust the wrong people, and because of it, I come out looking like a fool for it. I guess I am still so very naive in so many ways.

all I have left to say is thank you to those who actually have not been the above.

Karma's a bitch.

2006-02-08T21:29:00.000-08:00

today, I "bonded" with a couple of people. I never thought I would.

specifically, I told someone some things that I hadn't even told my best friends, and things I've only told my best friends. I don't know why I did, but in that moment, it just came out. I don't regret it or anything, but it was surprising. it's hard to come out with your secrets. it's terrifying. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I don't want to have these deep dark secrets. there are so many, I lose track, and yet, they've always made me feel so safe. does that make sense?

one of the things that stood out most about my conversation with the above person, was that people need to embrace their pasts and unleash their secrets. I am not emotionally stable enough to embrace my past, or unleash my secrets, the secrets I've even kept from myself. I really am not. I can't even come close to the subject without bursting into tears. when I even try to analyze myself, I cry. I can't do it yet, but I am so determined to be able to do it one day, even though I'm not completely sure if I could ever be strong enough. maybe I'll find that one person who will make me strong enough. maybe I already have, but either way, I have to wait.

I can do that.

2006-02-05T21:24:00.000-08:00

I hate high school. I can't wait to get out. I feel like I am wasting my time. high school just seems so pointless and annoying. the "drama". it's pathetic to experience. it is so insignificant to life. what life experience can you possibly gain from high school that actually makes high school worth those 4 years of your life? I haven't gained anything that I didn't already have. I just want to be free. to move away from all this. just kill me now, why put me through this mind numbing idiocy? I don't even know why I am in such a bad mood. I guess I am just sick of it all. it will all be over soon, but soon couldn't possibly come fast enough.

I want to drive my car as fast as I possibly can.
I want to get on a roller coaster, over and over again.
I just want to move so fast that I can't even think.
I want the biggest rush of my life.

2006-02-02T21:39:00.000-08:00

it's kinda funny how life turns out. the things you want the most are out of your reach and the things you hate most never leave you alone. that's just the way it works. what a sad truth.

I've had an interesting couple of days. this entire week just seems to be dragging on forever. it's kind of unbearable, so I really don't know how I'm surviving.

so today's picture was taken in Lake Tahoe. so far, it is my most favorite place in the world. the air is clean, the water is fresh, the people are friendly, and the tourist and local boys are cute. last July was the last time I was up there. I didn't get to go up for winter this year, because of my schedule. it's kind of sad. so the picture is of Emerald Bay, Lake Tahoe. to get down there, you have to take a trail down the mountain. at the top of that mountain is a waterfall. I was standing at the top of that waterfall, looking down at the gorgeous bay. I went over towards the edge of the cliff of the waterfall, crouched down, and made this photo. I really miss that place.

I really hope my cough goes away soon.

2006-01-31T19:49:00.000-08:00

I'm a bit stressed. it is all because of what's to come, and not because of right now. I'm stressed about the research paper that is a third of my grade. I'm stressed about whether or not I will get into the college I want to. I'm stressed because I don't know if I can afford to go to the college I want to go to. I'm stressed about all these photography projects I have due this semester. I'm stressed about a lot of things. I guess most of it is a good stress, but it seems so unneccessary at this time. but what can I do?
so my brain moves way to fast for me. it critisizes and analyzes everything. it seems like my mind is going so fast that everything else, my physical body, my classes, even time, feels like it is going so slow. I hate it, but I wouldn't want it any other way.

we'll see what happens...

2006-01-29T00:01:00.000-08:00

Gong Xi Fat Choi!

it is the new year and the festivities are a good time. lots of food, prayer, and family time and the perk of easy money for myself. it is one of my favorite holidays. well, let's just end this on a happy note. Happy Year of the Dog!

2006-01-26T17:16:00.000-08:00

so the other night, I received a phone call from my father.

I'm pretty sure that I can honestly say that I love my father, but I can't say he's my favorite guy. my stepdad has been around for almost 10 years of my life, and he's been more of a father to me that my real father ever has been. I'm sure my father loves me, but he has no idea who I am, what I like, what I want to do with my life, who my friends are, or what type of person I am. he has never asked and i doubt he ever will. I don't have or want to have a relationship with my father. to me, he's almost like a distant family member. I'm not complaining really, (or am I?). I almost prefer it this way. my father is not an ideal man. he's screwed up one too many times, to the point where he can't even return home. I can't say I'm really proud of him.

my sister was telling me how angry she was that he missed her wedding and she told me that she truly hopes that he will make it to my graduation. she said it was the one thing he has always wanted, for his children to do well in school and graduate high school and move onto college.
well, it's really the only thing he cares about. I think he cares only because he wants to brag about it to his buddies and the rest of the family. what a reason, right?
anyway, she was telling me all this, and frankly, I don't think I want him there. true, I may regret this in 4 months and start bawling when he isn't there, but I don't think he deserves to be there. he has done nothing to help me get to where i am, except maybe getting my mom pregnant and screwing up so bad that my mother found my stepdad. for now, i think missing my graduation would be good for him. although, he may only care for a period of 1 hour. my dad is such an unpredictable man, but in a bad way.

I can't forgive him for the things he has done or has not done.
maybe one day when I no longer have that choice.

I just hope I never become like he is.

2006-01-24T20:59:00.000-08:00

so today was the start of the new semester.

I have to seriously ask, what is the purpose of this semester?
to tie up loose ends?
to get another chance to talk to that one person you always wanted to talk to?
to jam in whatever else they forgot to teach us in the past 12 years?
to realize that you're in love with the last person you'd think you'd fall for?
to fix all the screw ups you've made the past 12 years of your school life?
to sort out your real friends from the phony ones?
what is the point?

I guess I have to wait until this semester is over before I can give you my answer.
I don't really want to wait until the end of this semester though.

2006-01-23T13:39:00.000-08:00

so this is my first post.

I like to state the obvious, in case you haven't noticed.

so about me. well, I'm a girl. I have been for all 17 years, 3 months and 9 days of my life.

I really want to travel. that's my only aspiration in life, to see the world. I'm seventeen and i have no idea what I'm going to do with my life, but I know I will travel a lot. That is definitely my future.

I like to write. I always have. About anything and everything.
I also like to read. Getting wrapped up in the world of fiction is wonderful to me.

escaping reality. I like this hobby, but I guess it isn't a healthy one.

so 2006 is going to be the end of high shool for me and a start of something brand new.
i just want to keep track of my life.
I can't wait.